Most Bots’ll Never Kill the Studio Crew, But Then Again Some Bots’ll

01.13.09 9 years ago 53 Comments

Joe Buck: …and that does it for the first half.  Coming up, join Terry, Howie, Jimmy and other grown men with little boys’ names for the FOX Sprint Halftime Report.  But first, these words from our sponsors.

Cleatus the FOX Sports Robot: (runs in place)

(does push-ups)

(puts tin of Copenhagen into facemask)


Terry Bradshaw: … so I said, “Hooo-WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  Honey, skinnin’ raccoons is the other thing I’m good at!”

(everybody laughs for five seconds)

Curt Menefee: Ohhh, Terry, you are just too WACKY!

Terry: Whatever, BLACKIE!!!

(everybody laughs for five seconds)

Cleatus: (stops doing jumping jacks) *FORCED*  *LAUGHTER*  *NO MORE*

Terry: Well hey there now, Cleatus!  Takin’ some time off between commercial breaks, huh?

Cleatus: (scans Bradshaw with infrared) *ANNOYANCE LOCATED*  *TERMINATE*

Terry: Why, you know, I got a cousin named Cletus back in–

Cleatus: (throws metal football through Bradshaw’s head)

Frank Caliendo doing John Madden impression: Whoooaaaaaaaaa!  Didja, did ya see that?  Cleatus just, he just, just threw the football through Terry’s head!  One minute Terry’s talking, then BOOM!  His head’s all splattered.  Heh.


Frank Caliendo doing Robert Deniro impression: Are you talkin’ to me?  You talkin’ to me?

Cleatus: (rips off Caliendo’s head, then spikes it through the floor. It travels through the planet’s crust into the Earth’s core, where it gets skewered on a pike in Hell)

(The sun comes out all across America, and children of all races hold hands)

(TBS’s ratings go up)

Howie Long: Yeah, I guess those were some pretty violent deaths.  Nothing I couldn’t do with my truck, but not too bad.  It’s possible you don’t sit down to piss radiator fluid.  Hell, you might not even be completely impotent.

Cleatus: *WHAT*

Howie: ‘Course, a real badass killer robot wouldn’t leave without havin’ his way with a Super Bowl-winning coach.

Cleatus: *OH YEAH* *WATCH* *THIS*

Jimmy Johnson: WHAT?!?!?!  Ahhhhhh!!!!  No!


NOT THE HAIR!  Nnggghhhh!!!!!

Howie: Popcorn?

Menefee and Michael Strahan: Sure!



(The entirety of the halftime report consist of game highlights playing in an empty studio. The only sound is something rhythmic and vaguely mechanical)

Football Fan: Now see, THIS is the kind of halftime show I’ve been asking for!

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