Step Right Up For Some Homer-Fueled Indignation

04.14.10 8 years ago 140 Comments

Everyone who reads this blog knows I’m a huge Steelers homer, so let’s just get that out of the way so as to eliminate the need for 35 commenters to make note of it. As with any scandal involving a famous athlete, there’ve been oil tanker-size loads of stupidity being doled out on the reg in regards to each development of the latest Ben Roethlisberger sexual assault case. I’ve managed to ignore most of it while minimizing my Twitter fights with Mike Florio to a respectable two. However, after Georgia investigators determined they had insufficient evidence to even bring charges against Roethlisberger, the Steelers misguided decision to trade Santonio Holmes for a 5th round pick and yesterday’s subsequent meeting between commissioner Roger Goodell and Big Ben, the retardery ramped up to a height that made my brain bleed. Then I clicked on this fetid pile of word shit and had to jam my typing finger in my cat’s litter box to ease the stench. The only recourse was unleashing the FJM treatment, but the result skewed more toward the shrill than funny. I told the rest of the Gay Mafia that I wasn’t going to post it, but then Drew and flub demanded that I do anyway, because they enjoy seeing me make an ass of myself. So here it is. Be forewarned that massively annoying homerism abounds.

It’s time for the Steelers to cut Ben Roethlisberger. Just let him go. Stand strong and state that he no longer deserves to wear Pittsburgh’s uniform.

An outright release for one of the two best quarterbacks in the franchise’s history? Sure, let’s hear this guy out. I haven’t had a reason to drink ammonia yet this morning.

Base the stance not on legalities, but on standards and values. Base the decision on Roethlisberger’s actions — and his attitude toward his actions.

Of course it’s not based on legalities, because if you go by that standard, Roethlisberger has done nothing wrong. Nothing. You’re just as much in violation of the law writing this mindless thumbsucker piece than he’s been bar-hopping. This is the point in the column where you already know the writer has no actual point to make, but my morbid curiosity obligated to press on.

A suspension is warranted, but it’s not enough. Roethlisberger has earned his release.

I like the presupposition that a suspension is deserved. Unless it’s become a violation of league policy to be a fatass, or to hold press conferences while having a redneck version of Snake’s evil hair, Roethlisberger has, again, done absolutely nothing wrong. And if you want to throw out the often invoked argument that a black player would be mistreated similarly by the league, then go ahead and name me a black player who has been suspended by the NFL for violating the personal conduct policy when he has never been arrested or charged with a crime. Pacman Jones? Arrested, charged and in one case plea bargained for a lesser charge. Chris Henry? Arrested four times in a 14-month span. Brandon Marshall? Arrested and charged numerous times.

Big Ben has no charges and no arrests. There are rampant acts of tasteless idiocy to consider, but then if that were a violation enforced by the NFL, we’d probably only have enough players available to fill three teams.

That said, the Steelers recent grandstanding with Santonio Holmes, which forced them to trade their no. 1 receiver away for a song as a message to potential wrongdoers, might compel them to make a similarly pointless statement with their starting quarterback in the form of a suspension of a couple games, lest they be called hypocrites. All so they can keep telling the media they’re more morally upright than anyone else, even when it’s clear that they are not. That still doesn’t mean Big Ben necessarily deserves to be suspended though.

It’s admittedly tough to say what was expected of Roethlisberger in his first public statements concerning that much-publicized March night in Milledgeville, Ga.

But the last thing expected was to hear him speak with defiance and without a hint of remorse.

Remorse for what? He. Didn’t. Do. Anything. Do people really expect an apology for their presumption of guilt?


Compare his defiance to these written words from the victim

You mean to tell me the other party in a criminal complaint paints a different picture of events than the accused? Especially when they still likely plan on filing a civil suit? No way! The judicial system is KRAZEE.

That a crime could not be proven beyond a reasonable doubt does not erase these written words from a 20-year-old, written, Bright said, 12 or 13 hours after the incident when she was “sober … and coherent.”

Why, she’s downright eloquent when she’s not fucking plastered. Such situational poise! And you should see Donte Stallworth not hit people with his car when he’s driving sober.

To be fair, nobody knows what happened in that bathroom in that bar that night. Nobody was there but Roethlisberger and his accuser.

Fairness, making its first appearance in paragraph 11. You never can count on that guy to make it to the party on time.

What is known is that Roethlisberger is a strong 28-year-old who routinely shrugs off tacklers. His accuser is a 20-year-old coed with her life ahead of her.

Irrelevant fact + Irrelevant fact = Irrelekkake!

People say a sexual assault victim is assaulted twice — once when it happens, the second time in court.

People also say those accused of sexual assault are hit with presumed guilt, both at the outset of the case, and even afterward, when they aren’t actually found to be guilty. It cuts both ways, this sad process.

In a letter to the prosecutor, this girl’s attorney asked that the prosecution not go forward because she did not want to go through the torment of the trial. Whether her assault claim is right or wrong, her stance on the trial is reasonable.

So the accuser’s statement is taken at face value, but everything Roethlisberger claims is duplicitous, misleading and self-interested? What happened to the fairness? Is it just gonna hang out in paragraph 11? C’mon fairness, you gotta learn how to mingle.

The woman claimed assault. Roethlisberger denied it. Bright could not say, but he said enough when he said he did not try morals but crimes and that Roethlisberger should “grow up.”

It also wasn’t Fred Bright’s job nor place to make that determination. He was assigned to investigate a criminal matter, not compile a personality profile on Ben Roethlisberger. That long-winded fuck was also taking about what influence his father had on his life and commitment to justice, so suffice it to say that shithead was looking for a bit of attention.

Roethlisberger used 17 first-person references in his statement. Never once did he mention the girl, not even to say he regretted what she had been through.


So having the accuser mentioned in court proceedings is somehow one of the evils of sexual assault, yet he’s supposed to discuss her in front of the national media? Also, to apologize suggests a degree of guilt, and what with a likely civil suit, perhaps that’s not the smartest message to convey. NEVERMIND, THE BEN IS SORRY HE NOT REALLY RAPE YOU. HE RAPE YOU FOR REALS NEXT TIME!

If any contrition or remorse exists, Roethlisberger did not show it.

Yes, Ben could have come out and put on an act of false contrition and moved on, but people see through a put-on — just like they can how Roethlisberger acted so put on at this 74-second statement. Put on, as in he was the victim.

If he was falsely accused of something he did not do, then yes, I would say he is in fact the victim in that scenario.

/gets drawn, quartered and castrated by Jezebel readers

Imagine Dan Rooney, the respected leader of the Rooney family and now the U.S. Ambassador to Ireland, watching.

Oh boy, another idiotic rhetorical ploy. Heavens, he let down Rooney Claus. There will be no Rooneymas this year, boys and girls. Who gives a shit how embarrassed Dan Rooney is? Why does the media buy and promote the holier-than-thou shit the family constantly spouts? He’s a fine, upstanding owner, but it’s far from the first time one of his players has been in the news for negative reasons. Especially ones that turned out to be unfounded. Jerome Bettis was falsely accused of sexual assault once. Did he shame the fucking franchise?

The case can be made that Roethlisberger was not even accused, much less convicted. But playing for the Steelers is not determined by a court, or a prosecutor. It’s determined by a long-respected family that cherishes values and holds actions to a standard of accountability and responsibility.

He’s judge, jury and Rooneycutioner!

If the Steelers embrace higher standards than their peers, they should act on what happened and release Roethlisberger.

Another team might pick him up, and he might play well for that team. So be it.

Oh sure, you’ll lose. And lose horribly. But you can lose smugly and self-righteously. THAT’S THE STEELER WAY!

Get fucked Fanhouse. First you bury all the bloggers who helped your site establish itself, only so you can now promote this worthless overwrought tripe. That’s the fucking tragedy.

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