Competitor (seed): Mario Williams (8)
Reach: Lenny Pasquarelli still thinks so.
Ring Music: I Luv Your Girl
Birthplace: Richlands, NC. Home to absolutely nobody.
Strength: An explosive combination of speed, power, and Italian craftsmanship.
Weakness: Always trying to go too fast.
Predilection towards violence: Only towards targets, and they’re just begging for it.
Fighting Style: Mario likes to keep his opponent at a distance, lulling him to sleep before attacking with a flurry of clubbing shots.
Competitor (seed): Osi Umenyioria (9)
Nickname: The Mad Scatter
Reach: That time he thought he was ready for space-docking.
Sponsor: Flushable Wipes
Ring Music: Shit On You
Birthplace: London, England. Current boxers like Joe Calzaghe and David Haye share Osi’s city of birth as do retired champs like Lennox Lewis and Chris Eubank.
Pedigree: Gives him a nice firm bowel movement, unlike the Science Diet crap that gave him the runs all over Selita Ebanks.
Strength: Speed and aggression.
Predilection towards violence: His fetishes, while troubling, are mostly harmless.
Fighting Style: Osi is a brawler who will take any opportunity to get up in that ass. He’s obviously not afraid to get a little dirty on the inside, but don’t sleep on his skills.