11.27.09 8 years ago 61 Comments


The Ravens announced earlier this week that they’ll be passing out tens of thousands of rally towels at M&T Bank Stadium prior to Sunday night’s blood feud with the Steelers. Being that they’re made by Under Armour, you know they’ll have that special illegal immigrant craftsmanship.

This tactic is far from new; teams do this all the time when the Steelers visit for nationally televised games. Can’t let those TV cameras pick up a home crowd flecked with twirly yellow spots! The Broncos tried to shake up the tradition a few weeks back with orange pom-poms, which was, uh, an interesting approach. Anyway, it’s just particularly hilarious to see it from the Ravens, whose fans, despite failing to grasp the crushing irony of doing so while dressed in white trash fabulous purple camo pants, rant unremittingly about how stupid Terrible Towels are. And it’s true – towels as sports fan accessories are dumb. I freely admit that. BUT NOW YOU TWIRL THEM TOO! Welcome to the club, you unoriginal Old Bay bumf*cks.

As for the game, Troy Polamalu is still out. Terrell Suggs probably won’t play. Who knows what condition Roethlisberger will be in. Neither team has played particularly well the last month. Should be quite the marquee event. I got a media credential from The Sporting News to cover this game, meaning most likely I’ll be watching it from the press box at M&T Bank, which will probably not be all that great, given that whole “no cheering in the press box” thing. And they won’t let me toss live grenades into sections of dicksmacks who take their whining about the refs to such an outrageous extent that they actually show up at the stadium dressed as blind officials. The joys of access!

But man oh man, do I want to be there to glory in Ravens fan misery and referee blaming should Pittsburgh win. I can’t tell you how much it burns me that I missed it last year. Because there’s nothing more amusing than the contrast between the typical fake hard-ass pregame Ravens fan spiel of “WE’RE GONNA FUCKIN’ TEAR BIG JEN WORTHLESSBERGER’S RAPIST HEAD OFF AND GET HIS DECAPITATED CORPSE TO SHIT IN MIKE TOMLIN’S PRETTY GAY MOUTH RAWR HARM CITY BABY” and the predictable postgame keening of “Waaaaaahhhhh! We only lost ’cause of the refs! Just like the Patriots game! And the first Bengals game! And, fuggit, every game we’ve ever lost! The Rooneys paid off the entire crew! This game is rigged! Bandwagon fans! Bandwagon fans! Any fan who hasn’t spent 14 grueling years rooting for their team is a bandwagon fan!”

And even if the Ravens prevail, I get a new towel to torch. Win-win!

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