“That Improvident Lackwit? Always Too Busy Stridin’ About His Land Barony to Call His Own Mother”

08.18.09 8 years ago 41 Comments

[Phone rings]

Bonita Favre: Yellah?

Cris Carter: Hello.

Bonita Favre: Dis the man from the county?

Cris Carter: No, ma’am. This is Cris Carter calling from ESPN.

Bonita Favre: ESPN with the county?

Cris Carter: I’m not a government employee, Mrs. Favre.

Bonita Favre: Figures. I been asking them to get their spirit chasers down here to clear my property for nigh on 35 years and ain’t heard but nothing. So what is it you be wantin’ then?

Cris Carter: I’m calling in regards to your son. There have been reports that he is going to sign a one-year contract with the Minnesota Vikings.

Bonita Favre: Well knowing Brett, he’s probably lying.

Cris Carter: Do you know what for a fact?

Bonita Favre: Fact? HA! Hell, son, I know Brett. I birthed me a liar, knowned it since he asked for right tit and bit the left. That boy loves him some tall tales, boy howdy. There was this one time he and the minister’s boy, they got it into their heads that they was gonna skip Sunday School to go round the fishing hole. ‘Course it didn’t take minister long to realize his own son wasn’t around the church. They caught up with them boys and guess what that rascally son of a gun Brett told him?

Cris Carter: So, do you know if he signed with the Vikings or not?

Bonita Favre: Brett said, “Father, the good Lord came to me in my breakfast cereal and he told me ‘go have fun out there.’ And that’s what I was aiming to do. Now, you could find cause to punish me, but in the end, you’d only be countermanding the will of our Lord.

Cris Carter: Uh huh. I really only need to confirm this story with you.

Bonita Favre: What a yarn that was! ‘Course Brett did catch four fish that day and even left one of them under a pew. OOOO-WEEE! Made that place stink to high Heaven.

Cris Carter: GODDAMMIT YOU ASS-BACKWARDS DRIED OUT OLD BIDDY, DON’T YOU KNOW I’M FROM THE PROJECTS! You know what? Fuggit. We’re already stalking his car by plane and satelitte photography. There, okay, good, I’ve heard we got a visual.

Bonita Favre: Oh, just relax a lil’, would ya? You media folk are so simple. He told me he wanted to go to the Vikings ever since before he ever left Green Bay. Fact is, he gonna be starting the end of this week.

Cris Carter: Who would you know that?

Bonita Favre: You think me boy would ever keep something from me?

Cris Carter: But you just called him a liar.

Bonita Favre: Is you thick or something? Now get one of them men from the county to call me back. There’s apparitions all about!

Around The Web