The Adventures Of Matt Leinart And Nick Lachey: Douchebags In Crime! Episode 1: The House Party

05.12.08 9 years ago 46 Comments

(at a party)

Random Girl: Oh no! No one’s showing up to my party! Omigod, I planned this house party for weeks! I made guacamole, bought all kinds of booze, made sangria, and decorated the house in an island theme. I even strung up the chili pepper lights. And no one’s here! I feel so rejected. Where is everyone? I invited 200 people, for God’s sake. Someone’s gotta walk through that door.

(door flies open)

Matt: BRAH!

Nick: BRAH!

Matt: Brah, this party sucks, brah!

Nick: I knah, brah!

Random Girl: Omigod, thank GOD you guys showed up!

Matt: Brah, where’s the vodkah? I need some vodkah, brah!

Nick: And some cranberry juice to go with it, brah!

Random Girl: I have that! I have a handle of Skyy right here. I got it just for you two.

Matt: Nah, brah. Nah, brah. I need Ketel One, brah! (gets text message) Brah! I got a text message! Someone’s texting me, brah!

Nick: Who it is, brah?!

Matt: It’s Angelah, brah! She’s having a fiestah, brah! LET’S GO GET MOJITAHS, BRAH!

Nick: Brah, that’s a fucking plan, brah!

Matt: BRAH!

Nick: BRAH!

Random Girl: No, wait! You can’t leave! You just got here. Please. I’ll do anything to get you to stay.

Matt: Really, brah?

Nick: For shizzle, brah?

Random Girl: ANYTHING.

Matt: Brah, she’s good to gah, brah!

Nick: I nah, brah! She’s not wearing a brah, brah!

Matt: Brah, who gets to hook up with her first, brah?

Nick: Brah, brah. Gotta flip a coin, brah!

Matt: Brah, I don’t wanna be in her vaginah after you’ve been her vaginah, brah! That would make me gay, brah!

Nick: She needs a friend, brah!

Matt: Yeah, brah. You need to find a friend.

Random Girl: My friend Leona’s on her way over?

Matt: Is she hawt, brah? Because I only hook it with hot chicks, brah.

Random Girl: She’s pretty.

Matt: (outraged) Pretty? BRAAAHHH!!!

Nick: Nah nah, brah!

Random Girl: Wait, wait! I have another friend, Gina. She’s smoking hot.

Matt: Whatevah, brah. She battah show up, brah. (gets text message) Brah, I got another text message, brah!

Nick: BRAH!

Matt: Let’s wait for this Ginah while we figure out a plan, brah. This music sucks, brah!

Random Girl: What music do you like?



Matt: Or Jason Mraz, brah. Mraz and I are brahs, brah.

Nick: But not as good a brah as me, right brah?

Matt: No way, brah! You’re my best brah, brah!

Random Girl: Okay, I’ll change the music.

Matt: And order some food, brah! And get an ice luge in here, brah! I want some Fiah watah, brah! And get some ATV’s in here, brah!

Random Girl: Okay, I’ll order it all now (orders it all). Hey, where are you guys going? I just threw down $5,000 for that stuff you wanted.

Matt: Gotta gah, brah!

Nick: Yeah, brah! We’re gonnah go to Vegas and hit a casinah, brah! C’mon brah, let’s hop in my Carerrah, brah!

Random Girl: I can’t believe this! You two are just a couple flaky, vacuous douchebags!

Matt: Konichiwah, brah!

Random Girl: This is the worst night of my life.

Nick: BRAH!

Matt: BRAH!

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