Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young architect lived in a shining castle of his own design. One winter’s night, an old beggar-woman came to the castle. At first he offered her shelter from the bitter cold, but when she failed to notice the intricate column work he had done in the entryway, he cast her out.
She tried to assuage his hurt pride, but when he dismissed her again, the old woman’s ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress. You gotta admit, it’s kind of messed up to go around testing someone’s morals under false pretenses like that, but an enchantress has to get her kicks one way or another.
As punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast, and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all who lived there. If someone could appreciate his castle design without him insisting on praise, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair, and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a beast?
Gaston: Who is gonna let me smash around here?
[Finds trio of hot women who desperately want to fuck him.]
Gaston: Nah, that’s cool and all, but I’m more into dimepiece bookish types who sing about how they think they’re better than everyone else. You know any of those?
[Looks around]
Gaston: Oh shit, what up, Belle. Lemme holla at you real quick.
Belle: Hello Gaston.
Gaston: Yo Belle, when you gonna let me lay some pipe, girl?
Belle: I’m afraid I’m just very busy, Gaston.
Gaston: What’s this? You got a book? Are there tits in this? You know they got books about fucking me, right? You should read those books. Then you should let me get my dick wet, shortaaayyy.
Belle: No, it’s not that kind of book.
Gaston: “Alexandre Dumas” Haha, more like Alexander Dumbass.
Belle: …
Gaston: ‘Cause his name sounds like dumbass.
Belle: …
Gaston: Are we gonna fuck or what?
Belle: Sorry, Gaston, I have to go see my father.
Gaston: You mean the crazy old man who is somehow half your size?
Belle: My father is a very good inventor even though I can’t tell you anything he’s invented. But there are always explosions at our house, and you can’t invent something without blowing up your house a few times.
Gaston: Pssh, yeah I saw that old dude heading off toward the foreboding castle. I ain’t trying to be there, personally.
Belle: Oh no!
[Belle races to the castle and finds her way in pretty easy while also thinking “hey this architecture is pretty rad”]
Belle: Father!
Father!
Father!
Oh no, he’s locked in this prison… which looks pretty smartly designed if I can step back for a moment.
Voice: WHO GOES THERE?
Belle: I’ve come for my father. Can’t you see that he is sick?
Voice: THEN HE SHOULDN’T HAVE TRESPASSED HERE!
Belle: Who are you?
Voice: I AM THE ARCHITECT OF THIS CASTLE. AND YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE.
Belle: Come into the light…
Belle: [gasps]
Beast: DO YOU THINK ME HIDEOUS?
Belle: I mean…
Beast: SEE HOW YOU LOOK WHEN YOU GET CURSED!
Belle: Look, you can take me instead.
Beast: What?
Belle: Instead of my father. I will take his place.
Beast: SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY STUPID TRADE WHEN I CAN JUST IMPRISON BOTH OF YOU.
Belle: Oh yeah.
Beast: NO, I WILL NOT IMPRISON YOU. YOU WILL STAY IN MY VERY SPACIOUS AND WELL-APPOINTED GUEST ROOM AND YOU CANNOT LEAVE UNTIL YOU FINISH MY FAVORITE BOOK ABOUT CONCRETE.
Belle: Concrete? But that’s so boring!
Beast: I DON’T CARE!
[Slams door]
Belle: What am I going to do? I don’t care about concrete. Why does he want me to read a book about concrete? This is all so confusing. Whatever will I do?
Ricky Jean Francois: Perhaps we could be of assistance, mademoiselle.
Coby Fleener: When it comes to stone masonry, we know everything there is to know.
[The pair do a peppy three-minute song about the rudiments of castle design]
Belle: That was a catchy bit of exposition. I hadn’t noticed how impressive a castle this is before. I can see why he made some creative choices but not others. I should go tell the architect.
Ricky Jean Francois: Mais oui! You should do that at once!
[Belle goes to find Beast, but can’t locate him. She then hears a commotion on the roof. She finds her way up there easily because the castle design is just so intuitive. When she gets there, she finds Gaston and Beast fighting]
Gaston: I called dibs, bro.
Belle: YOU WILL NOT TAKE HER!
Gaston: I’m gonna take her so many ways. I’mma wear that ass out.
[Gaston then does a bunch of pelvic thrusts but loses his footing and plunges to what we can assume is his death because that’s the bullshit way most Disney villains gotta go]
Belle: Beast, you’re hurt!
Beast: I can just walk it off, rub some dirt on it. No reason to take me out of the game.
[Beast collapses]
Belle: OMG I totes love your castle bae.
[A mystical light envelopes Beast, transforming him back into a man]
Andrew Luck: The curse is broken!
Belle: Are you sure?
Andrew Luck: Yeah, I look all normal again.
Belle: It’s true that you have less facial hair. You still look pretty goofy, though.
Andrew Luck: Well I guess the important thing is that the curse is over and people love my castle and my tight end isn’t a clock anymore.
Belle: Okay well I’m gonna go take my dad and get away from a dude who just kidnapped me then maybe read a bunch of books, kthanksbye.
Fin