The City Of Baltimore: An Oral History

06.28.10 7 years ago 63 Comments

Now see here, Lord Baltimore. This new coastal city in the Maryland colony shows much promise. It’s not nearly the cesspool of filth that others make it out to be. I think that you, sir, should lend your name to this town. It has been set up quite nicely to be a village of tranquility and peace. What could possibly go wrong?

This here is a Baltimore fire hydrant. It’s the finest in our great nation. Why, you ask? Because these hydrants have bigger valves than any other hydrants in America. Only Baltimore hoses work on these hydrants. We like it that way. Bigger valves means more water through the hose. With that kind of water pressure, what could possibly go wrong?

Now see here, boys. All we have to do is take some of these colored families and just put them smack dab into the middle of these white neighborhoods. After a while, the white families will become accustomed to their new neighbors, and the blacks won’t ever have to invent rap music. Baltimore will be the epicenter of racial harmony throughout America. What could possibly go wrong?

Look, Mr. Mayor, all I’m saying is that we gotta play hardball with these guys. Everybody knows how important this city is to the team, and we need to get as much rent out of Memorial Stadium as we can. Besides, everyone knows that the Baltimore Colts aren’t going anywhere. What could possibly go wrong?

Ray, come on man! Come down to the Super Bowl with us in Atlanta! It’s the ATL! Why you always so worried about stayin in the house n’ shit, fool? Check this out, we’re gonna get a limo. One with above-average acceleration ability. You could bring a couple of those old friends of yours. The really stabby ones. What could possibly go wrong?

Come on, Jamal. Just call up my friends for me and tell them to meet us downtown. What are so you worried about? Oh, sure, if a drug deal happened to go down after you make the call, you’ll be pursued relentlessly by the feds and incarcerated on a technicality. But the chances of that happening are about as slim as rushing for 2,000 yards in one season. What could possibly go wrong?

Shit. Did I leave the iron on?

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