The Continuing Adventures of Tony and Jess

02.17.09 9 years ago 24 Comments

Ext. Golf Course

Michael: Nice drive, kid.

Tony: Thank you very much, Mr. Jordan.

[cellphone rings]

Tony: Oh no.

Michael: You gonna get that?

Tony: I really don’t want to.

[cellphone rings]

Michael: Could be important.

Tony: I doubt it.

[cellphone rings]

Michael: Answer the fucking phone before I toss it in the lake.

Tony: You got Romo!

Jess: Hey baby, where are you?

Tony: Oh, hey Jess. I’m out…running errands.

Jess: Oh good, I need you to buy me some medicine.

Tony: What’s wrong?

Jess: I’m sick.

Tony: Yeah, I assumed as much. What specifically is wrong?

Jess: I keep puking.

Tony: How long has that been going on?

Jess: Every morning for the last [vomits] few days.

Tony: Okay, do you have any other symptoms.

Jess: Not really, but I have been gaining some weight, and my boobs feel all big and swollen.

Tony: …

Jess: You there?

Tony: Yeah.

Jess: What’s wrong?

Tony: Uh Jess, have you been keeping up on your birth control?

Jess: On what?

Tony: Your birth control, Jess. Aren’t you on the pill?

Jess: Oh I don’t believe in that stuff, why?

Tony: What the fuck do you mean you don’t believe in it? Don’t you know you can get pregnant without taking the pill?

Jess: Don’t be silly Tony, I can’t be pregnant.

Tony: Why not?

Jess: Because I’m not married, silly.

Tony: What’s that supposed to mean.

Jess: Well daddy always told me that a good Christian girl like me can’t get pregnant unless she’s married. It’s science.

Tony: Oh Jesus Christ!

Jess: Amen!

Tony: No Jess, this is bad. You misunderstood what your dad told you, and now I think you may be pregnant.

Jess: Amen?

Tony: No. No amen.

Jess: Hang on, I’m going ton conference daddy in on the call.


Jess: Daddy, Tony thinks I’m preggers!

Joe: Is this true, son?

Tony: Well considering that your daughter’s idea of birth control revolves around church attendance I’d say it’s a distinct possibility.


Tony: What are you so excited about.

Joe: Are you kidding son, my baby ain’t fat, she’s just pregnant!

Tony: And this is a good thing?

Joe: Hell, boy, don’t you have any idea how much People is gonna pay to see them baby pictures?

Jessica: [vomits]

Tony: [covering the moutpiece] Mr. Jordan, does your offer still stand?

Michael: Of course.

[Tony hands Michael the phone]

Michael: Over the birch tree, off the starter’s booth, over the putting green, and in the lake. [Throws phone]

Tony: [smiling] Nothin’ but net.

Michael: That’s my line, asshole.

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