The Firing Of Norv Turner And A.J. Smith, As Imagined By Justin Halpern

12.31.12 5 years ago 27 Comments

[Norv and A.J. Smith enter Dean Spanos office]

SPANOS: Gentleman, come in, I just had to wrestle a bag of feces away from my son John, so you’ll excuse me if I don’t shake your hand.

AJ: Before you say anything, let me tell you how excited I am for this draft. There’s a linebacker out of Sarah Lawrence college, He doesn’t even play football right now and in fact is a woman, but I saw her eating at a Chipotle the other day and I think she’ll be available at the tenth pick.

SPANOS: That’s not why I’ve called you in.

NORV: Is it because of that recipe I gave you for salted hot water soup? I said a teaspoon of salt, but I know that can be a bit much for some people.

SPANOS: No, gentleman, it pains me to say this, because it means I will have to at some point pay someone else money, but… I’m going to have to let you go—

AJ: — and release some players who just aren’t working out. Got it. I’m thinking we let Weddle go and re-re-sign Mathews. We need to lock that fucker UP.

SPANOS: What I’m trying to say is, you’re all fired.

NORV: (Opens a Brach’s candy, calmly inserts it in his mouth) I am so unbelievably upset. Sir, with all do respect, next year is our year. It’s a sure thing we make the Super Bowl. We have 4th and 29-style odds of having a great season. Plus, I just bought a tan Chevy Malibu to enjoy the mild summer climate here.

AJ: Dean, Dean-o, you can’t fire me. Who’re you gonna put in my place? I mean, you’re not seriously going to let…


JOHN SPANOS: Daddy, I pee peed on that pretty lady you bought me and then she cried so I hit her with my Legos until she stopped.

DEAN: I’ll take care of it. Just go call Andy Reid like I told you to.

This was a guest post by writer and Chargers fan, Justin Halpern. You can pick up his latest book, “I Suck At Girls” here.

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