The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason – AFC 3rd Seed: The New England Patriots

01.06.10 8 years ago 139 Comments

Every so often, a sports team or figure arrives that is so successful, yet so loathsome, that my only consolation is to remind myself of the fleeting nature of athletic prowess. “Just wait,” I tell myself. “They will be out of the league sooner or later.” Example: I hated Bill Laimbeer so much when I was a kid, all I could do was tell myself that one day his skills would diminish and he would be cast out of the game and I would never have to think about him again. Later in the late 1990s, when the wheezy old Dallas Cowboys warhorse finally ran itself into the ground, my friends and I toasted their demise with many rounds of bourbon shots.

I mention this now because I am absolutely giddy over the events that are about to unfold. You see, the Patriots’ run at or near the top of the league is just about over. They are done. Finished. His-toe-ree.

It’s possible, but unlikely, they will be able to squeak past the Ravens this weekend. But after that, it is all over and the Patriots will be once again relegated to the scrap heap of mediocrity. I hope Magary has wrung every last drop of comedy from the Tommy from Quinzee teat, because this time next year that premise will be about as relevant as “Kevin from St. Pete” or “Lance from Sausalito”.

I realize that some of our New England readers will chalk this sentiment up to wishful thinking on my part, or perhaps mere hyperbole designed to live up to the title of the “Hater’s Guide” series– but rest assured that is not the case. Signs of the Patriots’ imminent collapse abound. For instance, the statute of limitations appears to have expired on whatever concealed felonies Bill Belichick was holding over Randy Moss’ head in order to keep him focused and obedient. This season’s erratic play has convinced me that Moss is done. Without Moss playing at his former level, defenses will be free to finally crush that little bugpuke Wes Welker (whose knee is oatmeal now). Welker is done too.

Belichick, the philandering misanthrope that engineered the massive fraud and cheating that allowed his team to win three Super Bowls, will be among the first to go. He’d rather chase married poon than stick around while his legacy erodes. Belichick is done. Their crumbling defense is taking its final gasps. It’s been teetering ever since the team panicked and grossly overpaid to get Adalius Thomas. The defense is also done. Tom Brady might not be finished quite yet, but his career is circling the bowl. He has to be getting sick of getting the shit kicked out of him every week. I predict he will either walk away or succumb to injuries in the very near future. For all intents and purposes Brady is done too.

The Patriots have been crammed down our throats for years while their cheating ways were largely ignored at first, and then quickly forgotten. I despise the Patriots with every fiber of my being and I hope horrible things happen to them now and well into the future. This vintage of the Patriots has been a pustule on the ass of our true national pastime for far too long, but now their death is nigh. I hate the Patriots. I hate their fans. And I hope they all burn in hell forever and ever.

And one more thing… IT WAS A FUCKING FUMBLE!!!

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