The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: NFC 3rd Seed — Minnesota Vikings

01.01.09 9 years ago 59 Comments

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

This is Drew Magary, world’s skinniest Vikings fan.

If you hate the Vikings, it’s probably because of him. Because otherwise who gives a shit about the Vikings? I mean, honestly, it’s the Vikings.

Their fans are doncha-know dipshits. They hate Brad Childress, not undeservedly so, but then this is a team helmed by Mike Tice and Denny Green the previous 14 years. What towering standard of coaching have you assholes somehow become accustomed to? “Skol, Vikings” makes Jared Allen want some chaw. The team backed into the playoffs thanks to squeaking by the Giants reserves while the Bears were choking away their opportunity to take the NFC North.

If there were a division the NFL should retract, it is the most definitely the NFC West. Then the AFC West. BUT THEN THE NFC NORTH! God, they’re all terrible.

I don’t know much about Minne-snow-ta, but I can extend a mighty fuck-an-ice-dildo for inflicting the only known white emo rapper, Atmosphere, on the rest of us.

But, back to Drew, because he demands attention at all times. He once wrote this glowing review of Sigur Ros, who are known, among being the background music for hipster orgies, for singing in a lilting made-up language called Vonlenska:

“Scared of the language barrier? Don’t be. Like any opera, the emotion comes through regardless of whether or not you can understand the words. From the dazzle of ‘Svefn-G-Englar’ to the Celtic waterfall of ‘Olsen Olsen,’ Sigur Ros bursts with feelings of hope, despair, happiness, sadness, and all points in between, perhaps even creating new emotions as they go along. It’s an incredible achievement, not likely to be matched by anybody anytime soon. Unless you count the band itself, but they may have moved on to another solar system by then.”

What a douche.

Also, among his many annoying verbal tics, Drew appends “yes?” onto all of his questions. (For example: The Redskins are going to hire Shanahan now, yes?) As if to say, LOOK I’M ASKING A QUESTION BUT I REALLY WANT AN AFFIRMATION OF MY BELIEFS AND I’VE EVEN GONE TO THE TROUBLE OF PROVIDING YOU AN APPROPRIATE ANSWER AT THE END OF MY INQUIRY! SAY IT! SAY YES NOW! DO IT! YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT!

Fuck him and the Vikings with a frozen swordfish.

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