The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason — NFC 4th Seed: Arizona Cardinals

01.06.10 8 years ago 75 Comments

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

The conventional wisdom about the Cardinals says that they’re not good enough to hate, that their lack of a passionate fan base makes it too hard to hate them. I reject that pussified stance:

FUCK THE CARDINALS. And if you like them, FUCK YOU, TOO.

FIRSTLY, Phoenix is a piece of shit. Here’s the complete list of nice things to say about Phoenix: (1) it’s not cold there in the winter. (2) As a result, some of the women have nice tans and good bodies. Working against Phoenix: it was laid out with the same unplanned graceless sprawl as Dallas and Los Angeles, making it a class A1 bitch of a city to get from Point A to Point B. In this case, Point A can be Phoenix proper, the airport, or some place with bars, and Point B can be the Cardinals’ stadium:

FURTHERMORE, Kurt Warner is a minion of the Dark Prince. A few years ago, Warner was married to a dyke with a retarded kid, and he couldn’t walk in the rain without his brittle bones snapping apart when he got cut by the Rams. Then he backed up pre-Super Bowl Eli Manning, then he got cut again. Then he signed with the Cards — ostensibly to back up Matt Leinart — and suddenly, in his late 30s, he’s a Pro Bowl quarterback with a hot blonde wife who leads his team to the Super Bowl.

Don’t believe the Bible-thumpin’ hype, people. Kurt Warner sold his soul to Satan, and you can’t prove otherwise.

THIRDLY, Anquan Boldin is an asshole. Yeah, yeah, I get it: he’s tough. He’s competitive. He’s upset about his contract. But how about you stop scowling for twenty seconds, jerkoff? I hope your ankle’s broken and your next contract shorts you.

ALSO, Matt Leinart is a goddam freak. There’s plenty to dislike about Leinart, from his squandered talent to his gentleman-of-leisure stigma to the zero touchdowns and three interceptions he threw in 77 pass attempts this year.

But no one wants to talk about the real reason he’s a creep: he’s a left-handed quarterback. If you’re a southpaw and you’ve got a strong arm, learn to pitch. You’re actually wanted on a baseball diamond. Ugh, nothing creeps me out more during a football game than a lefty under center. In fact, like the gays, lefties comprise about 10% of the population, yet there have only been 33 lefty QBs in NFL history — and there’s something wrong or weird about every one of them: Michael Vick (dog killer), Mark Brunell (Jesus freak), Boomer Esiason (defective genes), Steve Young (Mormon), Ken Stabler (played for Raiders)… and those are the GOOD lefties. We haven’t even gotten to stalwarts like Jared Lorenzen. At this point, Leinart is basically a cross between Cade McNown and Todd Marinovich.

MOREOVER, Larry Fitzgerald is going bald. The braids only accentuate his receding hairline. He looks stupid.

“Hurrrr, look at me, I’m Larry Fitzgerald. I’ve got an expensive car and a huge mansion and sweatpants.”

AND FINALLY, the entire team is comprised of dipshit names. If you have any respect for language, Jerheme Urban’s first name is pronounced Jer-heem. I fucking hate retarded parents who can’t spell their own children’s names correctly, and “Jerheme” is the stupidest spelling this side of Laveranues.

Calais Campbell is a defensive end named for a French city. Fag.

Early Doucet: You would think a guy named “Early” could show up on the depth chart before the sixth wide receiver.

Tim Hightower is an embarrassment to the legacy of Police Academy.

Beanie Wells. Beanie.

Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie has a girl’s first name. And hyphenated last names are for married women and spoiled white children. Someone take this guy’s lunch money already.

Suck it, Cardinals fans. Your team had its one and only chance last year, and they fucking blew it. Now it’s gone forever, and the missed opportunity will stay with you until the end of days, a bitter pill you’ll never wash down. Get fucked and die lonely.

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