The Last Temptation Of Rex

11.30.11 6 years ago 50 Comments


Mark Sanchez: Damn, Shonn! I threw for four touchdowns last week!

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Mark Sanchez: I don’t feel like I threw that many TDs. I feel like I played worse than that.

Shonn Greene: You did.

Mark Sanchez: I wonder if Coach was on the verge of benching me.

Shonn Greene: I would’ve.

Mark Sanchez: Well, I think this win is just the kind of springboard we need to get back on track. I think we’re on our way to doing great things, and I can take us there! Don’t you think so?

Shonn Greene: Uh… I’m gonna get a snack.

Mark Sanchez: Shonn? Shonn! Come back! I need to know you trust me, man! COME ON!

(doorknob fondled creepily)

(door flies open)

Sex Cannon: Oh. Oh, am I in the wrong spot? I’m in a post-coital daze right now. Six women at the same time. I stacked them like pancakes and poured candied pecans on top of them. It was like the International House Of Poonani.

Sanchez: You’re not supposed to be here!

Sex Cannon: No, I suppose I’m not. But that’s me. I like to live on the edge. I like to go where I’m not supposed to, like into a woman’s small intestine. The forbidden places are where I feel MOST ALIVE.

Sanchez: Get the hell out of here!

Sex Cannon: Whoa hey, what’s your rush, kiddo? You feeling a bit… intimidated? You worried that perhaps, once your coach gets a look at this good thing (fondles own hips), he may not have a hunger for Mexican Throwgasms anymore? It’s understandable. I do that to other men. I’ll tell you a secret: Most of my friends are women. Men can’t relate to me. Also, I cannot have sex with them, because they have hairy assholes and my peepee can’t get past that.

Sanchez: You don’t scare me, Grossman. I’m the quarterback of this team, and I have the full faith and backing of my teammates. Cris Collinsworth said that I had great huddle presence. Isn’t that right, Shonn?


Sex Cannon: Full faith, eh? Let me tell you a little story, Mark. May I call you Mark?

(puts arm around Sanchez’s shoulder)

I was once like you, you see. I was a fresh-faced newbie eager to please. I was all, “We’re gonna win, you guys! And then we’ll go out for cake and ice cream!” And I thought my team had my back. But you know what happened? The first goddamn time I threw 42 picks in a season, I was out on my ass. These teams don’t have your back, Senorita. They’ll use you and throw you away like a gutter whore. So I decided a long time ago to flip the script. Teams aren’t using me. I’M USING THEM. I’m gonna use their platform to pump out as many long hot throws as I can. And if they don’t like it? FUCK THEM WITH A TROWEL. You catch my drift, amigo?

Sanchez: I’ll never be like you. NEVER. I care about my teammates.

Sex Cannon: Pity for you. I bet there’s a Mexican Fuckquistador just waiting to burst out of that protective girdle.

(door flies open)



Sanchez: Hey, Coach!

Ryan: Oh, men. Oh, men. Men, took a shit this morning that had me blocked up like the goddamned Holland Tunnel. Soon as that turd got halfway out, it sat there in the pocket like a fucking rookie. And I had to figure out whether or not to dig that fucker out, or have faith in it to get me out of a jam. And sure as shit, forty minutes later that turd dropped. That’s you, Nacho. You are that green turd that needs a little more patience than I usually have.

Sex Cannon: I had that happen to me once when I was taking a dump on a freshman.

Ryan: Is that right?

Sanchez: Don’t listen to him, Coach. He’s not even supposed to be here.

Sex Cannon: I guess I just like violating things. Do you like violating things, Coach?

Ryan: You know I do.

Sex Cannon: I bet you and I could do some violating together, you know. You know I throw like I fuck, right?

Ryan: Let’s see it, buster.

Sex Cannon: All right.

(throws the ball seventy yards, gets intercepted by an overturned traffic cone)


Ryan: Goddamn, that was impressive! You see that, Nacho?

Sanchez: Whatever.

Sex Cannon: AGAIN!

(throws the ball into the mouth of a homeless child)


Ryan: I like your bravado, kid. You ever make that kind of throw with a double-pronged speculum?

Sex Cannon: Well, I…


Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, El Cannonarino blasted one through tight double coverage! THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!

(slaps Sex Cannon on the ass, HARD)

Sex Cannon: Ooh. I like that. Do it again.

(slaps Sex Cannon on the ass again)


(slaps Sex Cannon on the ass again)


Sanchez: I’m gonna be sick.

Sex Cannon: You know, Coach Ryan, I didn’t have any plans for after this season. Maybe you could use a bit of fresh air. Let me tell you a little something: Rex Grossman doesn’t give a FUCK. No defense scares him. No cornerback scares him. You can knock down the Sex Cannon all you like, but he is still gonna ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK! He isn’t gonna stop until someone is left on the bed, naked and panting and dripping with glistening skeet globules.

Sanchez: Don’t listen to him! He’s jaded and cynical! We have to beat him!

Sex Cannon: Shut up, kid. Come on, Coach. You know you want it. You know you want this arm knee deep in the Pats secondary, doing things to Devin McCourty that you never dreamed possible. Think of the deep penetration. IMAGINE THE HOT THROBBING FADES TO PLAXICO. Tell me you don’t think this could work. I’m tired of Magentamind bossing me around on the sideline. I want a REAL coach, and in a town swimming with pussy. What do you say?

Ryan: You drive a hard bargain, soldier. And I like your style. It’s just that…

(looks at Nacho)

Sanchez: (puppy dog eyes)

Ryan: Aw, hell. I can’t do it. Look at that kid. He fucking CARES. He may be a shitty QB. But dammit, he’s OUR shitty QB. I wouldn’t want to suck any other way.

Sex Cannon:You’ll regret this, Ryan. We could have had something together, you and I. Instead, you chose to go home with the fucking debate champ. See you Sunday. If you need me, I’ll be banging your wife’s ankles.

(disappears in mist of Axe Body Spray)

Sanchez: Coach, you stuck by me!

Ryan: Of course I did. That asshole’s crazy. He gives the ball away like rubbers at Planned Parenthood. Don’t get so fucking comfortable though, Nachayyyyyy. One call from Bill Polian and your ass is backup for three years, pending the physical!

Sanchez: I won’t let you down, Coach! I swear!

Ryan: Yeah yeah yeah. Just shut up and FUCKING BRING IT IN, MEN.

(everyone brings it in)

Ryan: Men, I’ve never felt so unsure of myself in my life. I have no idea if you men are FUCKING WINNERS or not, and I’ve never felt that way before. You sons of bitches have five weeks to prove to me that you have the BALLS AND COCKS to be the fucking winners you were born to be. Can you do it?

Sanchez: Hey!


Everyone: YES!

Ryan: Last chance saloon, men. If you don’t fucking go hard now, we all go down. And I ain’t goin’ down without cuttin’ a few throats and fingerin’ a few snatches along the way. I AM NOT HERE TO FUCK AROUND ANYMORE. REX RYAN IS PUTTING ON HIS SERIOUS BEER GUT NOW. ARE YOU READY TO FUCKING MURRRRRRDER?!

Everyone: YES!


Everyone: YES!


(hands in)


Everyone: KILL!

(door flies back open)

Sex Cannon: Anyone see my spanking paddle? I may have dropped it.


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