The Many Realities Of Matt Ryan

01.10.13 5 years ago 53 Comments

Matt Ryan: Oh, hey there Matt Ryan From An Alternate Universe Where Matt Ryan Has Won All The Big Games.

Elite Matt Ryan: How goes it, Choker Matt Ryan?

Matt Ryan: No, I’m regular Matt Ryan.

Elite Matt Ryan: Every version of Matt Ryan thinks it’s the regular Matt Ryan. I used to think I was the regular Matt Ryan. But then I discovered there are an infinite number of universes and each contains a different Matt Ryan, no one more regular than any other. I’m just the version of Matt Ryan who has won all the big games in his career.

Matt Ryan: You just think you know everything because you’ve won all the big games.

Elite Matt Ryan: I will say it does help. In my universe, I can do no wrong because I’ve won all the playoff games. For example, when I yell “GET THE F*CK OFF OUR FIELD!” to the Carolina Panthers, people are cool with it because I’m a winner and whatever I do is what winners do.

Matt Ryan: People think I’m a jerk for doing that stuff!

Elite Matt Ryan: That’s because you’re the version of Matt Ryan who doesn’t win big games.

Matt Ryan: That’s not fair!

Elite Matt Ryan: I don’t know what to tell you. I didn’t design the multiverse. Take it up with the version of Matt Ryan who designed the multiverse.

Matt Ryan: A lot of quarterbacks were labeled chokers before they eventually won the big one. Like John Elway and Peyton Manning. Even Tony Romo eventually won a playoff game. Why can’t that be the same for me?

Elite Matt Ryan: It could be. Maybe you’re the Matt Ryan who undergoes early career postseason struggles only to finally put it together and win a bunch of rings.

Matt Ryan: Like a reverse Tom Brady?

Elite Matt Ryan: Brady? That bum?

Matt Ryan: You mean Tom Brady sucks in your universe?

Elite Matt Ryan: He was horrible. He got drafted with the first pick in the 2000 draft by the Browns. Total flameout. Out of the league within a few years. Now he spends all his time on ESPN debating who is the best quarterback of all-time, me or Trent Dilfer.

Matt Ryan: Your universe is both strange and beautiful to me.

Elite Matt Ryan: It’s working out all right by me, too.

Matt Ryan: You seem to know so much. Am I the Matt Ryan who finally gets it together or am I doomed to lose all the big games ever? What’s the point of trying if I’m always going to lose?

Elite Matt Ryan: Look, I don’t have all the answers. I’m just as smart as you are. The only difference between us is that I win when it counts so people trust me a lot more. I’m probably just as skilled as you are. Just go out there and play as well as you. You might win and you might not. There’s only so much you can control.

Matt Ryan: That still seems like a shitty deal.

Elite Matt Ryan: It probably is. But either way, at least you’re doing better than drug addict Matt Ryan, who incidentally is also called Matty Ice.

Drug Addict Matt Ryan: GET THE F*CK OFF MY FIELD!

Elite Matt Ryan: What a dick.

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