The NFL Wants Your Ass Off Of Your Couch And In Their Hard Plastic Seats

05.21.13 4 years ago 95 Comments

Image via some Rick Reily article where he did the same stupid thing only with stupid jokes about Matthew Matthew McConaughey movies.

You guys, the NFL is really worried about you staying home to watch games on television. And why shouldn’t they be? Sure they’re making $20 billion off of TV revenue, but at what cost? The cost of $12 beers and $40 parking, I guess. How big a problem is this for NFL executives? Concussion big.

Stephen Jones says there will be another pressing issue on the agenda: the increasing problem of getting NFL fans off the couch, away from their high-definition TVs and back into stadium seats.

“Everybody always says we have to watch concussions and all of that, and that’s at the forefront. But I’d say 1-A is this,” the Dallas Cowboys’ executive vice president and chief operating officer told USA TODAY Sports on Monday.

Oh, Stephen Jones. We really feel for you after you guys built that 80,000 seat albatross in the midst of the RedZone Era. Of course the availability of the NFL’s own RedZone Channel (in high-definition!) isn’t the only thing keeping fans at home. I was a regular at Redskins games throughout my childhood and adolescence, but I stopped accompanying my dad to FedEx Field years ago. And here is why.

1. Drunken redneck asshole fans. I love my team, but man, the gameday experience is for shit. Also, these people.
2. I get on the beltway to drive to Landover every day for work. Why would I want to do that on the weekend? The traffic and parking are fucking miserable, no matter what improvements they’ve made.
3. A $9 six pack of Great Lakes Dortmunder Gold will always win out over $12 of piss beer.
4. A coffee table filled with snacks from Trader Joe’s will always win out over some crab pretzel abomination.
5. Television replays, plus DVR functions allow me to watch players get concussed over and over again.
6. Multiple televisions/computers. I always watch the Redskins. I also enjoy watching everyone else. At once. Because I can.
7. There is nobody passed out in a pool of their own puke in my bathroom unless Drew comes over for the Vikings game.
8. I don’t have to miss Premier League soccer matches to make it to the stadium for 1 pm kickoffs.
9. I don’t have to miss most of the 4 pm games while sitting in traffic on the way home from the 1 pm game.
10. I’m obviously a huge yuppie pussy (see 1, 3, 4, 7 and 8).

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