MATT SCHAUB: That was some good ice cream Joe!
JOE FLACCO: Darn good.
SCHAUB: I’m ready for some fun! What do you say me and you head back to camp and do wind sprints for three hours? Season’s only six months away!
FLACCO: Sounds good to me! *both high five*
SCHAUB: Joe look! Your car’s gone!
FLACCO: There it is speeding out of the parking lot! Some guy with an evil curly mustache is driving it! My wife and three kids are in there!
SCHAUB: Hop in my car Joe, we’ll chase ’em down!
FLACCO: Oh I don’t think so Matt, we need to head down to the police station to file a report!
*later, at the police station*
FLACCO: Alright, Matt, we’ve got no time to lose. I’m going to start filling out the Lost Property and Theft forms. You go through this binder of Allstate forms that I keep on me at all times to find Form 8-G837 in order to start the claims process.
SCHAUB: On it!
FLACCO: Ah yes, don’t forget the kidnapping charge. Four counts! This guy is going to be in paperwork so deep he won’t have any free time for months.
*both high five*
FLACCO: OK, so I’m just going to take these forms and … NO MATT STOOOOPPPP!!!!! *slaps the papers out of Schaub’s hands*
SCHAUB: What is it Joe?
FLACCO: That’s a Form 8-G836! It deals with cars with V6 engines and mine has a V8! If you would have filed that form, our claim could have been delayed 4-6 weeks and cost us a $25 refiling fee!
SCHAUB: Oh my god, I’m so sorry Joe. I can’t believe I was so careless!
*phone rings*
FLACCO: It’s my wife Dana! *answers the phone*
DANA: JOE! JOE! WE’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED! THIS MAN IS DRIVING LIKE A CRAZY PERSON! HE’S CUTTING IN AND OUT OF TRAFFIC! THE KIDS ARE CRYING! HE SAYS HE’LL KILL US IF WE DON’T SHUT UP! OH GOD JOE PLEASE HELP!!!
FLACCO: Alright honey calm down! I’ve got everything under control. Now I want you to listen to me very carefully. Do everything that I tell you, EXACTLY. Do you understand?
DANA: YES, YES, JUST PLEASE HELP!!
FLACCO: OK, is he paying attention to you?
DANA: NO HE’S SWERVING ALL OVER THE ROAD, TWO COPS ARE BEHIND HIM!
FLACCO: I want you to slowly reach down …
DANA: YES!
FLACCO: … open up the glove department …
DANA: OK! OK I’M OPENING IT!
FLACCO: … pull out the registration card …
DANA: PULLING IT OUT NOW!
FLACCO: … and read me the VIN number.
DANA: WHY DO YOU NEED THAT?
FLACCO: Allstate requires it or the claims process could drag into May.
DANA: WHO CARES ABOUT THE FUCKING CAR! HELLLLLPPPPP!!! HEEEE–
KIDNAPPER: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?!?!
FLACCO: This is Joe, Dana’s husband. And Matt Schaub.
SCHAUB: Hi!
*click*
FLACCO: Gosh darn it! Alright, I’ll need to get the VIN number from the Department of Motor Vehicles. Matt, give them a call right away. If you wait until 4 p.m. their line tends to get busy and you’ll be on hold for a long time!
SCHAUB: You got it!
*phone rings again*
FLACCO: It’s the police! Hello?
OFFICER: Sir, we have apprehended a man who has apparently kidnapped your wife and kids. He is in custody. Your family is fine, but shaken up.
FLACCO: Excellent news! What about the car?
OFFICER: Right fender was smashed up a bit when it sideswiped a tree. We have some paperwork for you to fill out at the station.
FLACCO: Hot dog! *hangs up* Hey Matt, you free tonight?
SCHAUB: Am I!