The Real Reason Your Favorite Team Won’t Win the Super Bowl That SI Is Scared To Tell You

09.04.13 4 years ago 33 Comments

Spoiler alert.

Recently, SI ran a 32-page slideshow giving a reason why each team in the NFL wouldn’t win the Super Bowl. Not only was it shameless click-bait, but it was awful. Let’s pick one sentence at random.

And if you think Danny Amendola can survive the entire season without an injury, you’re whistling in the wind.

Be careful the next time you pick up a copy of SI at the doctor’s office. You might get BURNED.

I figured we could do a bit better. Also, ours is six pages, not 32, because we don’t hate you. Click through for the real hard truth about your team, and 31 other groups of assholes.

Montez may be right, but Smoovies don’t win Super Bowls, Chip.

Dallas CowboysLet me Google that for you.

New York Giants – Tom Coughlin insists on being in bed by 9 pm.

Philadelphia Eagles – If you say “Eagles” and “Super Bowl” in the same sentence an Eagles fan will punch you in the back of the head because he’ll assume you’re making fun of him.

Washington Redskins – Dr. Andrews took the under.


Detroit Lions – By the time you finish reading this sentence Reggie Bush will have run into Matt Stafford, resulting in a concussion and broken clavicle, respectively.

Chicago Bears – Because the Ewing Theory is dumb, Bill Simmons.

Minnesota Vikings – I’ll let you ponder this one on your own. Assigning blame wouldn’t be the Christian thing to do. Christian Ponder. It’s because of Christian Ponder.

Green Bay Packers – They are not equipped to play football in the frigid hellscape of New Jersey in February.

not all marks fault

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Maybe it wasn’t Mark Sanchez’s fault. Maybe Darrelle Revis is the one who kept them from winning those AFC Championship games.

Atlanta Falcons – They are saving their Super Bowl run for the Jew Dome.

Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton once called Roger Goodell a cracker. Goodell couldn’t respond by calling him the n-word, because then HE would be the racist one.

New Orleans Saints – Now that the suspensions have been served the relationship between the NFL and the Saints is back to nor—oh, they just got flagged for a questionable late hit.

kaep hat

Arizona Cardinals – Carson Palmer will get hurt. Larry Fitzgerald will snap and kill everyone.

San Francisco 49ers – Colin Kaepernick will force a trade to the Dolphins. Style over loyalty. Shame.

Seattle Seahawks – I don’t want to talk about the Seahawks. They’ll blow it. Shut up.

St. Louis Rams – It’s awfully hard to move your team to North London after winning a Super Bowl, innit?

butt fumble

New York Jets – I got nothin’.

New England Patriots – Bill Belichick will be indicted for conspiracy to commit murder. Josh McDaniels will be named head coach, Tim Tebow will be named offensive coordinator.

Buffalo Bills – Hahahaha, why are you reading this, Luke Russert?

Miami Dolphins – Wait, is Lamar Miller good? He went to the U, right? But he went there when they were shitty. Somebody just tell me if he is good or not. At least with Daniel Thomas you know what you’re getting.

gods linebacker

Baltimore Ravens – How can you repeat as Super Bowl champions when you don’t have a Joan of Arc type conveying all of God’s messages?

Cleveland Browns – Jimmy Haslam already sold off his team’s potential Super Bowl share, so what’s left to play for?

Pittsburgh Steelers – If their offensive line had one more hole, Ben would try to stick his dick in it.

Cincinnati Bengals – The world is not ready for a ginger to star in an advertisement for Disney World.

its a profit deal

Houston Texans – Matt Schaub is just good enough to keep the Texans from using an early round pick on his replacement.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Shahid Khan isn’t buying up sports franchises to win hardware. Sorry, Fulham.

Indianapolis Colts – CHUCKSTRONG was a rallying cry, COLTSTRONG is an ad campaign for malt liquor.

Tennessee Titans – Name two defensive starters from this team. You can’t.

weed football
Image via Examiner.

San Diego Chargers – You don’t recover from six years of Norv Turner all at once. That kind of rebuild takes at least five years (see: Redskins, Washington).

Denver Broncos – Von Miller smoked the pot and now he’s addicted to heroin which I hear is legal in Colorado. Thanks, Obama.

Oakland Raiders – Now that they are free of the distraction of Chris Kluwe I see nothing standing in their way. Other than the rest of their roster.

Kansas City Chiefs – Andy Reid has two goals for this season: Finishing .500 and finding a utility belt that can keep his pants from falling down.

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