The Scrap-Heap: The Best White NFL Player Ever Assembled

07.31.13 4 years ago 43 Comments

Welcome to the last installment of White History Month folks. Today I wanted to do something extra special for people of all colors to admire so I created the ultimate White football player using parts of some of the legends of the game- past and present. I call him “The Scrap Heap.”


He’s got Johnny Unitases flattop, Peyton Mannings Brain/Forehead, Kyle Van Den Bosches eyes, Mike Alstotts nose for the goalline, Pat Tillmans heart, Jeremy Shockeys arm, JJ Watts hands, Bill Cowhers chin, Jared Allens mullet, Chris Bermans mustache, Bill Romanowskis salivary glands, Sebastian Janikowskis left leg, Joe Theismanns right leg (for resilience), Ben Roethlisbergers groin (post sexual battery-his marital crotch), and Mark Schlereths butt.

This is a guy who spends more time in the filmroom then he does at his own house (with his absolutely charming wife), this is a guy who’s first in last out, this is a type-guy who acts like hes been there before and tosses the ball back to the ref after a TD or lets his Center spike it, this is a guy who’s a coaches dream and a Union rep’s nightmare, and hes not racist-he’s workist= do your job.

In addition to the Scrap-Heap, I’ve put together my alltime White History Month NFL team to mark the end of White History Month:

Team Name: Washington Whiteskins (Obviously. Is that racist? Didnt think so)

Commissioner: Roger Goodell

Owner: Jerry Jones

Coach: Vince Lombardi

Referee: Ed Hoculi

Announcers: John Madden (drunk) and Al Michaels (sober)


QB: Brett. Favre.- He gets the nod because of his real America accent but he’d be backed up by Joe Montana: the first White QB of all time to win a Superbowl after a Black one did

FB/HB: John Riggin’s+ Mike Allstot- Him and Allstot would be interchangable, with a white RB you never know where theyll line up- could be HB could be FB but these are two Factorybacks for sure folks. Some RBs are all-stats, some are Allstotts can you figure out which side these guys fall under?

TE: Ditka- You know how Mike Shanahan doesnt use email? Well Ditka doesnt even talk to anyone,, he just screams thoughts into the air in front of his lips and expects folks do to as he says

TE2: Jake Ballard- I know he’s bad. Its a TE2 position so you technically dont want a good TE here you want one wholl keep their head down and maintain execution and not ever try to talk to Ditka

WR: (We run 2 TE sets w/ 1 WR obviously this is a team that was engineered to run the ball) Ed McCaffrey- Most respectful mile-high salute of alltime

OT: Kyle Turley- Only guy whose been photographed more than Favre with a helmet in his hands

OT: Jordan Gross- I own three “Gross 69” jerseys it would be a real moneymaker

OG: Russ Grimm- You dont need nothing but hog-style mauling road graders here, also you want at least one guy w/a mustache

OG2: Stink- You want chemistry between your guys in the trenches and I DONT MEAN whatever Richard Shermen is cooking up in his RV outside training camp.

C: Jim Otto- When you have a center whose knee bends sideways you have a center who can get low, and not that Favre would need any extra room to fit between his thighs but it couldnt hurt I guess


Defensive Coordinator: Buddy freaking Ryan folks

DE: Jared Allen- no doubt about it,, its business in the frontline but a party in the backfield

DE2: Kevin Greene- I call these two Southern Style DEs “Two Mississippi” on account of your opponent better get rid of the ball in a hurry or else your going to have some corn-fed country strong Grits knocking you in the mouth.

DT: Tony Siragusa- whether its on the silver screen or his marathon sit-ins at Bucca De Beppo,, Tony is at his best during the 25th hour.

DT2: Mike Golic- This is another TE2 situation you want someone whose clogging up holes out there and letting other players make plays also hes just such a treat to listen to, he’d keep it light in the lockerroom

LB1: Jack Lambert- A real mans man,, a meanass, damn-tough as hell SOB

LB2: Brian “Hurtlacher”- Hed be responsible for translating Lamberts grunts and primordial screams into actual playcalls

LB3: Any turd that Lambert has ever taken could qualify to start on any of my football teams

CB1: Jason Sehorn– obviously your going to need a lockdown QB matching up verse jailbirds like Titus Young or Chad Slowchocino

CB2: Dick LeBeau- His name literally means “the Beautiful Dick” its just not tattooed all over his body like Kerry Rhodes no offense

SS: John Lynch- No offense

FS: Pat Tillman- Im not going to make a joke about Tillman Im just going to say this box would get jammed so hard with 11 football players Alanis Morisette would need a towel and a change of pants

K: Jack Dempsey- you got to love those straightahead style type guys,, even thought he only had half a foot.

“What do you mean ‘only’?”- Brett Favre

P: Sammy Baugh- thats right he was a QB but he led the league in INTs and punting distance and probably firmest handshakes too

Well folks White History Month has been a blast. The good news is theres no more empty Sundays until February so lets hope for another season of good fun, good sportsmenship, and I dont root for injuries but hopefully we get a couple cool ones again this year.

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