12.17.12 5 years ago 21 Comments

Today’s slate of football games looks like pure football porn. It’s almost too much. Giants/Falcons. Packers/Bears. Broncos/Ravens. Colts/Texans. Steelers/Cowboys. Patriots/49ers. Also, Chiefs/Raiders, if you’re into homemade nursing home porn.

Here’s my prediction for Week 15 ‒ we’ll see some good games and some cool stuff, and there’ll be a team or two that breaks out and makes you think, “Now that team is looking good for the Super Bowl.” And three weeks from now after Wildcard Weekend, we’ll look back at this week and none of it will make a goddamn bit of sense.

Four of the six good games are on at 1:00, and do you know which game the Buffalo Wild Wings people have chosen to get sound? Redskins/Browns. With no RGIII. Worst decision since they dropped the weck.

Ed Reed squares up for a tackle on Knowshon Moreno, and Moreno just hurdles the dude. That’s not how I’d have predicted the Ed Reed vs. Knowshon Moreno battle to go.

I’m joined this week by some friends, one of whom goes by Dirty and is both an Eagles fan and a moron. He offers up this pearl: Kirk Cousins is the best rookie quarterback in the league, with the exception of Nick Foles. I’m not sure what to say to that, other than to note that Eagles fans seem to have an affinity for less talented, white backup quarterbacks.

Someone’s turned Knowshon Moreno into Jim Brown today.

Adrian Peterson goes 82 yards to the painted grass, and the Rams defense looks more confused than anything else ‒ like they just got into a fight with a normal looking dude, and it turns out he’s a world class kickboxer and you’re thinking, “Well, I didn’t know you were going to cheat.” Safety Craig Dahl in particular has a look on his face like, “What do you want me to do? I don’t see this shit in practice.”

The Giants have a dude named Lumpkin. My Christmas wish is that they’ll sign another guy named Lumpkin, and one of them will have ‘B’ as a first initial.

Jay Cutler throws an interception on what appeared to be a misread by the intended receiver. He’s gone into a patented Jay Cutler douche-fit on the sidelines. I can make out, “Fucking stupid (something).” Cutler’s growing on me recently.

Here’s why: Seconds later, Joe Flacco throws Denver a 99-yard pick-six, and in a few seconds, he’ll be on the sidelines acting like he or a receiver didn’t just screw the pooch. Really, Flacco and Cutler are about the same quarterback. The difference is that Cutler doesn’t care if you think he’s an asshole, which is more authentic and entertaining for everyone.

That puts the Ravens down 17-0, and between that and the Giants getting killed, this afternoon of football porn is looking more like a snuff film. A guy I know ‒ his name is Kitchen Manager ‒ is at the game in Baltimore, proudly displaying his Broncos fanhood. The score is not good for his safety. I sure hope he doesn’t get murdered.

Whoa. Some Bucs linebacker just shoved a coach on the sidelines. Unfortunately, it was a coordinator, and not Greg Schiano, who would have attempted to fight him. “YOU WANNA BE THE NEXT ERIC LEGRAND, MOTHERFUCKER?”

How are those 2 Girls on CBS Still Broke? Life lessons from Paul Mooney’s grandmother: A wet pussy and a dry purse don’t match. I’m not saying they should prostitute themselves ‒ well, maybe a little bit. Just park yourself at a sports bar on a Sunday, feign an interest in football, and some guy will buy you a car.

Chris Hope of the Falcons drills Victor Cruz, late and in the head. That’s about the dumbest fifteen yards ever given up. Cruz is down. The Greek says, “Yeah, get up and dance now.” And that sounds (and is) cold, but I don’t know ‒ if you beat me, then dance in my face, you’re showing me up. Tribute to your grandmother or not, you’re still showing me up, and I’m not going to pretend to like it just because you say it’s for grandma.

Danny Amendola just tried to kill an old man with a football. He scored against the Vikings, spiked the football, and it bounced up into a dude’s face. The guy looked like he was hurting pretty bad. I think it cut him or broke his glasses or something.

Clay Matthews gets a sack and turns himself into Ravishing Rick Rude ‒ five stars for that one, buddy. It may have looked a little more like Gigolo Jimmy Del Ray, but unfortunately, Del Ray never grew to have the influence on American culture that he should have. Either way, it’s worlds better than Matthews’ standard sack dance. Kudos to you, sir.

Say, Packers, that’s an odd playcall. Up by 11 in the fourth quarter, you want your punt returner to stop and throw the ball backwards across the football field? That almost seems like the kind of needless risk that might backfire.

A gentleman has arrived for the late games dressed entirely in Cowboys gear from 1991. He’s sporting a metallic silver pullover by Starter and this hat. It’s a look I respect.

The Packers have clamped down on Brandon Marshall pretty thoroughly, bracketing him on every play. This leaves Jay Cutler to throw to Alshon Jeffrey, who really likes to shove defensive backs. There’s his second crucial pass interference call.

On a 4th and 9 with the game on the line, Cutler goes to Jeffrey again. He keeps his hands to himself this time, but cornerback Sam Shields doesn’t extend the same courtesy. He gets away with a blatant yank of Jeffrey’s jersey. It’s unfortunate that it wasn’t called, but it’s not like the Bears can leave this game claiming they were robbed ‒ they didn’t do a whole lot to win it, either.

Packers punter Tim Masthay drops a punt out of bounds at the three, leaving Jay Cutler with a 1st and 97 with 56 seconds to play. I’ve been given no reason to believe the Bears can even get close to scoring position here. It’s not happening.

And yeah ‒ a two-man pass rush buries Jay Cutler, and that’s gonna do it. They’ve been pretty well outclassed by the Packers in both matchups, and that just can’t be overlooked in trying to project what’ll happen in the playoffs. I’ve come to appreciate you, Bears, but … you’re not the Packers. Sorry.

The Chargers/Panthers game, today’s real main event, is underway. Steve Smith catches a pass along the sideline, takes a couple of steps of surrender out of bounds, and then Antoine Cason decides to hit him. That’s okay, we won’t need those 15 yards. Steve Smith shoves a couple of forearms into his face. Thanks, Steve Smith.

The Panthers are just battering the Chargers with Mike Tolbert, which is just mean. It’s like tearing someone’s finger off, then poking them in the eye with it. Touchdown, Mike Tolbert.

And hey, a silly turnover from Philip Rivers. You don’t say. The ball just comes out of his hands as he attempts to throw it ‒ like someone coated it in Crisco. That’ll turn into another Mike Tolbert touchdown. Oh well. Go Chants.

The Greek, a Steelers fan, wonders aloud: Where were you last week, normal Philip Rivers? A perfectly reasonable question. Cincinnati got to play normal Philip Rivers, Baltimore got to play normal Philip Rivers … Pittsburgh got the semi-responsible version. Tough break for them.

Seattle’s going with an all-gray uniform today, which always sounds better in theory. They just look like their laundry came out dingy. I’m a fan of Seattle’s 2012 look, but let’s let the college ranks keep the gray trend. They pull it off better.

They keep showing Josh Brent on the sidelines of the Steelers/Cowboys game, and with no judgment on the morality of his presence, I wonder: How is that not super awkward for everyone? Obviously, I can’t walk in those shoes, but how is anyone looking at that guy and not thinking, “Hey, I sure do miss Jerry Brown. You just didn’t want to call a cab, man? I really wish you’d have called a cab.”

It’s already 21-0 Panthers. This could get Norv fired tonight, and if that happens, my apologies, but there will be no Smorgasbord. I will be dancing nude on top of a police car, waving glow sticks and showering myself in Patrón.

Philip Rivers tucks the ball away and runs, and HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. He went into a slide about 8 yards in front of the closest defender. That was fantastic. I’m all for the QB slide ‒ sure, protect yourself ‒ but I’ve never seen anyone take it to that extreme.

There could be some possible schadenfreudic joy to be had today ‒ maybe pummeling the Chargers will help save Ron Rivera’s job, so Carolina will hold on to him a little while longer. Good. Let’s see how you like it, Panthers.

Remember the guy from last week who was rooting for the Redskins because that pretty girl showed up? This week, he’s rooting for the Cowboys. His allegiances run deep.

I’m sure most of you know this because you’re reasonable people, but just in case it’s escaped a few of you … You know what no one ever wants to hear? How many points your fantasy team would’ve scored if they were still in the playoffs this week. They’re not. You failed. We wouldn’t care if you were still in the playoffs. Please chew broken glass.

Dustin Colquitt, punter for the Chiefs, gets off a 63-yarder, then points up to the sky in celebration. God isn’t watching Chiefs/Raiders, buddy.

By some mistake, the Chargers have forced the Panthers into a punting situation, and then they rough the shit out of the punter. That’s 15 yards and a first down. This is the worst I’ve seen any team play this year, with the possible exception of Philadelphia’s second half Thursday night against the Bengals. It’s horrific.

Antonio Garay sacks Cam Newton, and then mockingly does his Superman gesture, like we weren’t down 24-0. Eat a dick, Antonio Garay.

I’m sorry, I take that back. I like Antonio Garay. I guess it’s good that at least one Charger still cares, but stop mocking other people when you’re down 24-0. We should just quit. There’s no reason to keep playing.

I wonder what the ramifications of that would be ‒ the Chargers just literally quitting in the second quarter of this game. Norv just waves everyone into the locker room, and has them shower and go home. Quickly, before anyone from the league can intervene. By the time Roger Goodell got wind of what was happening, everyone on the roster would be blackout drunk in Tijuana, and the offensive line would be shooting their way out of a Tijuana whorehouse. What do you think the league do?

For some reason, Jill Savage of Fox bothered to do the halftime report in this Panthers/Chargers nightmare. I can’t hear it, but I don’t know what she could possibly be reporting. The surprising news that no one hung themselves at halftime? Norv Turner spent the halftime period putting his personal effects in a cardboard box?

Ooooh. We’ve got tension. After a Steelers score, The Greek stood up and yelled “HOW ‘BOUT THEM COWBOYS” to a group of boisterous Cowboys fans on the other side of the bar. Then a goateed man started staring at him, and The Greek says, “We’re going to stare now? That’s what we’re doing?” The guy tells him to just cheer for his own team, and not to talk about the Cowboys, and The Greek mentions the “Fuck the Steelers!” he heard from that side of the room earlier. It’s followed by some more “I’ve got a really big penis” posturing and cursing at one another. If any day is in need of a bar brawl, it’s this one.

With 5:00 left in the third quarter, the Chargers have 75 yards of total offense. How did we ever get 75 yards.

Unfortunately, the feuding Steelers and Cowboys parties have been civil of late. It’s very disappointing. I’m a peaceful man and I don’t want people to fight, but I’m also pretty goddamn bored. I’m thinking about throwing a potato wedge at Goatee, and then blaming it on The Greek.

Someone brings up Plaxico Burress, which leads Dirty to attack Ben Roethlisberger’s character. I’ll let you guess how he went about that. The Greek mentions to him that the Eagles aren’t in a position to throw stones on the issue of quarterback morality. It escalates until someone goes after Andy Reid’s kids, and then, for some reason, Tony Dungy’s. Sometimes I think football really just brings out the worst in people.

Alright, it was me who brought up Dungy. Screw you.

The Chargers and Panthers are still playing football. I don’t know why.

Cam Newton’s just set a new Panthers team record, with 153 straight completions without an interception. I realize it’s not a long and storied history in Carolina, but still ‒ it’s something. At least until you find out that the previous record holders were Jake Delhomme and Steve Beuerlein, so it’s not like we can say Cam is in rarified company here.

It’s one thing when Raiders fans take over Qualcomm stadium ‒ it’s not that far a drive. When it’s Panthers fans, though? That hurts.

Scott Turner, son of Norv, is apparently the “Offensive Quality Control” coach for the Carolina Panthers. I didn’t know that. Maybe he can help Norv get a job in a couple of weeks.

The afternoon will end with a brutal Ben boner to bury the Steelers in overtime. Brandon Carr jumped an out pass intended for Mike Wallace and took it down to the Pittsburgh one. Tremendous play by Carr, and it gets the Cowboys the win. Remarkably, they’re in a three-way tie for first in the NFC East, which would be fun if every team in that division wasn’t so loathsome.

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