If you’re still feeling a little salty from the disappointing cop out that was Discovery’s Eaten Alive special, then perhaps this item I cherry picked from Reddit’s TIFU (Today I F*cked Up) subreddit will satisfy your blood lust. I know it satisfied mine! The Reddit user who goes by cannonmiller says he only had his pet snake “Roy” for about four or five months before the fateful series of events that took place on this particular day, and had adopted him from previous owners. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to get rid of such a lovely creature.
Here’s the whole story, lightly edited for brevity and grammar:
The day started off pretty normal — I woke up, see that Roy is trying to to get out of his cage so I let him out and let him roam my bed room for an hour or two till he finds a spot he’d like to nap at. On rare occasions he’ll decide that on my lap or behind my pillow would be a nice place to sleep. But today [he] decides it would be OK if he falls asleep on my head half covering my face while I’m laying in bed watching shows on my laptop.
Really I didn’t think much of it at the time, although I should have [because of how] pissed this f*cker gets when I wake him up. It’s crazy how pissed he gets sometimes, I’ll bump his cage and he’ll just start striking at the glass where my feet are, and I’ve woken him up before only to receive a small bite to which he quickly realizes he can’t swallow me and lets me go.
“When he realizes he can’t swallow me.” A phrase that should alert you that you’ve made the wrong choice in a pet, my friend.
However, today was different. I was laying there minding my own business when my dad walks into my bedroom telling me my friend was at the door. I obviously got up slowly as to not wake him, or even if did so it wouldn’t be very sudden as to anger him too much, but as I was getting up I slipped and flopped on my bed. I guess when I [slipped] it pissed [him off] because he bit the f*ck out of my ear.
At first I thought he was gonna let go until I felt him start to coil around my arm, and at this point I’m freaking out and in the bathroom trying to pry the demon off my ear. My dad then walking into the bathroom to see my 4 1/2 foot ball python fully warped around my arm trying to swallow my ear. He starts trying to pull the snake off which causes the worst pain I’ve felt in my entire life. (If you don’t know was snake teeth are like, its like 20 razor sharp hooks that you cant pull out.)
I actually do! That was probably the one thing I learned from the Discovery special. Totally worth it?
After about a 2 minutes of this pulling on my ear and me screaming in pain and I remember a video where this guy got bit by his snake so he put the snake in water so I decided to use the shower to get him off. This is where I went full retard because I paid no attention to how hot or cold the water was, and anybody who knows what cold blooded animals do when sudden temperature changes happen know whats gonna happen next. He f*cking went wild but he didn’t loosen his grip at all — if anything he bit down harder. At that point my dad just f*cking ripped it off my ear and I still cant get the sound of tearing cartilage out of my head.
And now I can’t get the sound of tearing cartilage out of my head. I actually don’t know what tearing cartilage sounds like but I’m sure my brain is still nowhere close to doing it proper justice. TL;DR, this pet snake-owning kid is way more hard than that wussy from the Eaten Alive special.
(Via Reddit)