This Week In F—k You: Matt Millen

05.28.09 8 years ago 58 Comments

We’re in the slowest stretch of the offseason now: the dreaded post-draft period. There’s no football on, and there won’t be football on for quite some time. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, we’re hateful too. Of all things, at all times. Hating is what we do best. So, in that spirit, I’d like to present you with our new off-topic (or on-topic, in this week’s instance) offseason feature…


Every week or so, we’ll be taking our lack-of-football-related depression out on any number of deserving targets: people, things, abstract ideas, group dinners, etc. It’s just the kind of cathartic invective we excel at. This week, MATT MILLEN.

I’ve already ranted about the resurrection of Matt Millen’s broadcasting career, but I stumbled on something from Florio’s PFT earlier this week that rekindled my white hot fury. Two items. We start with this one:

In the wake of the surprising news that Tony Kornheiser is out and Jon Gruden is in as a member of the ESPN Monday night booth, we’ve picked up some more information regarding the manner in which this whole thing went down.

We’re told that, when former Lions CEO Matt Millen accepted a position with ESPN, he did so with the understanding that if/when a spot opens in the Monday night booth he would be given the assignment.

Per a source with knowledge of Millen’s broadcasting career, we’re told that Millen is not happy about the fact that he didn’t get Kornheiser’s chair.

Oh, you’re not happy, Millen? Oh, isn’t that a shame. Boy, we’d hate to see you feel a millisecond of distress there, kiddo. YOU FUCKING UNWORTHY SACK OF SHIT. Where in the fuck do you get off thinking you’re entitled to ANY FUCKING THING? You fucking failure of a human being. You fucking 0-16 sack of fuck. There’s only one person who could make me yearn for TK back in the booth, and that’s your retard Pennsylvania ass. “Duh, I’m Matt Millen and I like riding my lawnmower!”


You really think you’re somehow more deserving of a chair in the MNF than Jon Gruden? Well, let me disclose a little statistic to you there, Matty. Know how many games Gruden won last year? Nine. Not a great number of wins. And they faded down the stretch to miss the playoffs. When you think about it, nine wins doesn’t seem all that great. Then again, THAT’S NINE MORE FUCKING WINS THAN YOUR FUCKING GODBORTION OF A FUCKING TEAM WON LAST YEAR. YOU FUCK.

Do you know how much it enrages people all across the world that you are gainfully employed? Do you know how much it makes less fortunate people want to fishhook you until your cheeks are behind your ears? There are people out there desperately looking for jobs. Good people. Smart people. People eminently qualified to do any number of things: nursing, contracting, consulting, selling life insurance, TALKING ABOUT FOOTBALL FOR THREE HOURS A WEEK. These people are busting their balls just to find a job so that they can pay rent, or buy food, or see the doctor, or pay for any number of life’s obligatory expenses. AND YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO COMPLAIN?


But wait. I’m not even finished. There’s more…

We reported last week that ESPN’s Matt Millen was miffed at the addition of Jon Gruden to the network’s Monday Night Football broadcast. As we’ve heard it, Millen believes he was promised dibs on the first open chair in the booth. (ESPN denied that any such promise was made to Millen, or that he was upset about anything.)…

We’d been told that, after Millen didn’t get the spot that went to Gruden, Millen tried to resurrect negotiations with NFLN. Initially, we heard that the league-owned network was not expected to be receptive, given that Millen previously had dissed NFLN.

We’re now hearing that Millen could end up getting the job.

Millen likely would take the position on a moonlighting basis…

Oh, so this asshole gets TWO jobs now? It’s not enough that he Hoovers up one goddamn job some other worthy person could have, now he’s gotta hog two? This fucking flaming pile of FAIL? This galactic fuckup? He gets to swim in job offers while we all fucking drown?


You listen to me, Millen. You shitstached douchejar. You are the goddamn luckiest asshole on the face of the Earth. BAR NONE. You have cronies seemingly at every level of football and broadcasting just aching to throw money at you to wildly underperform. And if that’s the way it goes, then that’s the way it goes. But I don’t EVER want to hear you fucking complaining about somehow getting dicked over in the process. YOU FUCKED A TOWN, MILLEN. A WHOLE TOWN. YOU BENT THAT TOWN OVER AND THEN RAPED IT WITH AN EGGBEATER. If there was a God (and there clearly isn’t), you would be living at the bottom of a Mumbai shitshanty.

Instead, you get to just merrily coast along, falling bass ackwards into a job millions of people would kill for. WELL FUCKING APPRECIATE YOUR GOOD FORTUNE, YOU FUCKING COCKROBBER. Fucking savor every minute that somehow, some way, there are people out there who think YOU, of all people, are qualified to talk about football on television. And know, deep in your heart, that you are, in reality, a fraud. You are the fucking Chauncey Gardiner of real life. So enjoy it, you shit. Savor it. AND DON’T EVER FUCKING BITCH ABOUT HOW YOU GOT SOME KIND OF RAW DEAL. Because the real raw deal is a world that allows for your charmed fucking existence.


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