This Week In F—k You: The NFL Schedulemaker

04.19.11 6 years ago 61 Comments

We’re in the dreaded NFL offseason. There’s still no real football for months. You’re hurt. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, hating things is what we do best, which is why we have the recurring This Week In F–k You series, to soothe your white hot anger. This week: The NFL Schedulemaker.

The NFL schedule comes out tonight. Of course, it’s not actually a schedule so much as it a vague wet dream that will end up cruelly cockblocked by Jerry Richardson’s lust for money and his need to put uppity tackling ruffians in their proper place. In fact, seeing the schedule released now only serves to remind us that The Ginger Hammer and his coterie of 32 Art Modells have yet to GET THEIR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER.

This angers me quite a bit. It’s been nearly two months since the beginning of this lockout and I’m getting extremely sick of dealing with NFL news that is 100% hypothetical (as opposed to the standard 95% hypothetical rate during normal working conditions). Here’s the schedule, PROVIDED THE LOCKOUT ENDS. Here’s a fun rumor about the Vikings being retarded enough to trade for Donovan McNabb, PROVIDED THE LOCKOUT ENDS. You can feel the strain of all these reports, as if talking about football enough will somehow will the business of football to start back up again.

At the end of this week, that Judge Judy lady in Minnesota could potentially end this stupid lockout by granting the NFL players an injunction and forcing the League back into business, which would be a pleasant development. But until then, FUCK YOU TO THE NFL for releasing this 16-week cocktease of a schedule knowing full well that the season is in danger. Thanks for being just that much more cruel in your wanton assholishness. Oooh, look! It’s the schedule! Here are all the awesome games we MIGHT play! Look! The Giants and gonna play the Jets on 9/11! It’s gonna be an incredibly emotional moment, with Cirque de Soleil performers reenacting the full attacks, unless we decide to undermine it by FUCKING YOU IN THE ASS! And there are the Patriots and Colts playing again in primetime! Wouldn’t it be so cool to watch them play, IN THEORY?!

Oh, and we’re thinking about adding Gus Johnson to our NFL Network broadcast booth! You’d like that, wouldn’t you? The way he gets all orgasmy and stuff on a routine third down? Well, we’re definitely CONSIDERING it, only to wrest that fantasy away when we stick with Bob Papa instead. Because our Thursday Night games should have all the feel of an NHL preseason game. And we’re gonna make all kinds of awesome changes to the game too! Headhunting will be LEGAL again! Offensive pass interference will become a reverse spot foul! Safeties will be allowed to use daggers! Running backs will get hoverboards! It’s gonna be awesome, IF WE DECIDE TO PLAY.

And did you know there are topless photos of Brooklyn Decker online? It’s 100% true. We saw them just now, and her breasts are AMAZING. Oh, did you want a link? I bet you’d really like a link, wouldn’t you? Well, MAYBE we’ll give you one. But first, we have to sit and have a series of weekly meeting about which tiny URL service to use to provide the link. And many of us won’t actually attend any of these meetings. We’ll just flit in and out of these meeting because we think constructive dialogue is just a circle jerk for spineless pussies.

Fucking NFL dickweeds. Don’t taunt us with a schedule unless you’re finally ready to sack up and play it.

NOTE: Here’s that Decker link.

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