This week in f*ck you: The World Cup

06.12.14 3 years ago 84 Comments


Well I guess every ones got World Cup fever except for me mostly because I got vacinated against it by watching a entire game of soccer when I was young. But Im already sick of people talking about how soccers “The Worlds Game” which just makes such perfect since because, in case you missed it, the World sucks. 99% of countries in the world arent the USA and they all run Obamacare. They took the absoluyte suckiest part of USA and decided to make it the best part of there country. Its like if someone made a sequel to “Deepthroat” and the entire film was just hairy guys’ faces wincing and your mom walking in on you.

First of all The World Cup has the nerve to call itself football even though they spend more time falling down next to the ball then kicking it. Call me crazy but in a sport were your only allowed to use your feet to score why hasnt the US hired Rex Ryan to be all-time head coach?

This is basic stuff here. The only time I listen when someone tells me not to use my hands is when Im down at the spearmint rhino folks and even then it depends on my mood.

From what Ive been told, the defensing champions are Spain but the big question that everyone is asking is: “Are they Elite?” No one knows and its the only part of the World Cup that Im intrested in finding out. Heres rule number 1- If Chris Berman and Skip Bayless dont cover your sport your doing it wrong. The USA has the best athletes in the world, so if were not the best at a sport its technicaly not a sport its a constellation prize for the rest of the world to get a trophy for a change. Your welcome by the way feel free to continue to come to MY country and take MY tax dollars out of MY unemployment checks.

C’lay Travis had unquestonably the best World Cup preview article yesterday and just had some fun with it reminding Ghana that its infant mortalty rate is rivaling that of the Mariana trench, and some other rib ticklers about sex slavry and how no one talks English right but us. I highly recommend reading it instead of the rest’ve this column.

But really folks I just dont see what the big deal is. Yea yea yea people from every weird ethnicty in the world gets together and throws a big naked monthlong party in a city with big butts and no pubic hair but how is that any diffrent then a weekend at the Kardashians!!!!!!! I mean

The US team is being led by a Germen whose name sounds like the ashiest guy in the KKK. Jergen Klansman (get it?) said that the US didnt have a chance to win the World Cup, really shows you how far standards have dropped sense Obama, to be honest. I had some fun with it and said that we all remember what happen the last time a loudmouth German told the US that we couldnt win a big international comptition. Kicked his ass is what we did.

Fuck faking injurys too. These guys fake so many injurys I bet you George Will thinks theyre all college co-eds no offense. Keep a eye out for the famous Brazillan sponge. When a player pretends they stepped on a land mine and grabs there leg the trainer will rush out there with a wet rag and wipe it on what you think would be a bloody stump based on the players theatrics,, and then what do you know they are fine and can walk it off. Brazil dosent even let its players have sex during the World Cup which is the other time a  Brazillan would pull out a completely soaked sponge to prevent someone from being a baby.

Fuck not letting your players have sex. Your begging for your country to be destroyed. Can you imagine what greater Pittsburgh metropoltain area would look like if you didnt let Big Ben blow of a little steam during the entire League Year, bless his heart. The city streets would look like the cover of “Load” by Metalica. (This is a joke Ive used before but its good In My Opinion. If you have a better anaolgy for the damage Rothlisberger would do to a city if he couldnt get his grind on please go right ahead.)

By not letting his team have sex during World Cup, Brazil is competing in the thing there best at and then forbidding them from doing the thing there second best at. Its like if you told the USA that were not aloud to start another war while we were currently at war with another country, can you imagine?

Fuck the countrys who’re good at soccer.

Basicaly if youve ever been occupyed, partnered with, or escaped to by Nazis youve got a pretty good chance of winning this World Cup. Its like the Axis called for a do-over from WW2 accept this time the US isnt aloud to use its best players and England has to keep doing appeasement and still be polite and accepting that theyre losers.

The USA is the literaly the best country in the world but were in a “group” with Countries that Ive never heard of  and there all going to beat us. The only way this would be more pathetic is if we released a followup album afterwards begging group G to take us back.

Lets get real American “soccer” “fans”. Your only wearing a scarf to cover up your pencil necks no offense, and you only play soccer fan because you dont have the guts to play NFL fan.

By the way heres a “tackle” in soccer:

Heres a “tackle” in NFL:

Which is cooler? Tough call IMO. Enjoy the World Cup more like the World Crap IMO.

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