This Week’s Mailbag, Where You Send Us Your Problems With Sex And Fantasy Football And We Act Like We Know Something About Either One Of Those Things, Unless It’s More Fun To Just Laugh At You

10.08.09 8 years ago 77 Comments

Rather than indulge every reader with a fantasy football question and a sex question from the same reader, we’ll spread the wealth and answer the better of the two from those who made the dubious walk to the Fountain of Knowledge and Ridicule. We’re mixing it up “just because;” don’t get used to it. Feel free to complain about the new format in the comments. As if such an invitation was necessary.

Here we go.



Started dating a girl a couple of months ago when I knew that both of us would be leaving town. I meant it as an end of the summer thing, she thought it was the beginning of a serious relationship. She moved a few hours away two weeks ago and I told her that I was not willing to do long distance.

Commendable. LDRs are really just half of a relationship. I always get pissed off when people tell me that they’ve dated for three years, but that they were in other cities for more than half of that. THAT ISN’T DATING. You can play chess on a postcard that way, but relationships involve routine interaction that are almost always dependent upon living in the same city. Anyway…

On the way to an interview, I visited for the weekend and didn’t leave the apartment except for food, liquor, or condoms. Also got the beginnings of anal for the first time (for both of us). She has expressed the desire to have me put it in her butt again (which I would quite like). I will be passing through her area again in another couple of weeks.

Passing through WHICH area? Sorry. It’s been a long day.

Is it a.Wrong to sleep with a girl that would like more than I am willing to give in terms of a relationship?

I think as long as you’ve been clear about your intentions (or lack thereof) and she seems agreeable to those conditions, you’re free to pass through any area you please. Just be sure that you’re not inviting the crazy that will come along with this girl by getting her hopes up.

b. [Is it] Worth inviting the crazy that will come along with this girl by getting her hopes up(she is already starting down that road)?

Aw, shit.

Should I stay with her again on my way through her town (it’ll definitely be the last time for months, likely ever)? If it’s worth anything to you, she has the biggest tits I’ve ever been with and is down for anything in the sack. –“Matt”

Why would big tits be worth anything TO ME? I’m not the one passing through her area. Anyway, if you’re looking for a KSK-sanctioned blessing to eat and run, I’m sorry to disappoint (Not really, because you’re a dick for leading her on, but you already knew that).

Dear (unnecessary adjective) (unfunny nickname)s of (poon/dick joke),

Great effort there, dickbag.

Fantasy: Breesus Christ is on bye. Who do I start in his place: McNasty coming off a rib injury and possibly not being 100% against the shitacular Bucs, Shaun Hill vs. the Dirty Birds, or, God forbid, Horsie Balls against Buffalo’s defense, who seemingly has nobody left healthy in the secondary (4 pts/TD, 1 pt/25 yds)? And another quickie: Jacobs vs. Oakland or Slaton @ Arizona (PPR scoring, 1 pt/10 yds, 6 pts/TD).


–Marmalard’s Asking Me

I have to go with Hill, if only because he’s the guy who’s been playing regularly. Anderson and McNabb are not guys you want to count on coming off the bench, especially at quarterback, where fantasy points at that position are essential. And I like Jacobs against Oakland for your RB matchup, as I expect the Giants to lean on BJ with Eli hurt, and most likely lead in the second half.

Hey Bros,
Sex: A friend and I were recently reading a love advice column a bit like this one and a male reader sent in a concern regarding the anal bargaining process.

The Anal Bargaining Process is slated as a midsummer replacement reality show on FOX.

In order to get his wife to open her poop gates, she demanded an act just as despicable from him in retribution: he would first have to eat his own cum.


The girl I was with thought this was absolutely disgusting and also a lopsided deal. I agreed, but who knows what kind of appetite I’d have when drunk. The advice giver advised the man to nut up and eat his own cum, so what do y’all think, deal? or no deal?

Your girl was right, that WAS a lopsided deal. BUT, it’s a deal that would (hopefully) pay itself off over time. Whereas the gentleman was only subjected to ONE instance of self-tasting, he would enjoy the corn-holed fruits of his labor for as long as he was in that relationship.

Everybody’s got a price; it just depends on how badly you want to stick it in her ass. That said, I can’t believe that a woman would have any respect for a guy after watching him swallow his own load.

Fantasy Football
1. pick three from these four wrs: OchoCinco vs. Bal, Hines vs. Det, Marshall vs. NE, or TO vs Cle.
2. My running back corps consists of Mojo, Thomas Jones, Gore, and Beanie in a small (8 team) league. Should I panic? –“Bootsie”

Hines Hines Hines! Detroit hasn’t stopped the pass against anyone all year. I also like Marshall and TO, in that order. Very favorable matchups. And don’t panic about your running backs, but since we’re immersed in the bye period of the schedule, you should definitely be shopping TO and Ocho to see what you can find. And the only reason I called you Bootsie was because you didn’t give me your own fake name to use.

What’s up Prophets of Penis Prose (Did I do it right?)–


Alright, so I dated this girl for about three months starting from the end of last semester, over the summer, and we broke up late July. This part won’t be my question, but (I think) it’s such a great story that I should share it.

Sigh. Continue.

The reason she wanted “a break” (that’s what she called it) was because she “wanted the ability to see her friends that she usually sees over the summer,” but we were going to try and talk again before her birthday. She lives about an hour away, so I was fine with that, whatever. Her birthday’s in the middle of August, and I bought her tickets for the Tigers-Red Sox game…Nothing happened besides talking, although we slept in the same bed, and I left in the morning and I was fine.

The next week, her actual birthday, I decide to drive down and surprise her. She had a party with her friends the day before that I didn’t know about, and when I got to her house, she was surprised, but in a bad way. She wouldn’t let me in the house. I said, “Fine, just come outside and we’ll talk.” We’re talking and then she very casually brings up how there’s another guy in the house, and she’s been seeing him on our break, and I realize they were probably fucking while I was driving there to surprise her…Some background about this fucker she’s dating now: he does hard drugs and graduated high school at 20. He works at the restaurant with her.


Alright, here’s my actual question. While we were dating, I acquired a decent set of pictures. Good pictures.

Acquired? Or stole?

I’ve been weighing whether or not I should delete them or not. No one knows they’re on my computer besides me, and she probably thinks I deleted them. I don’t talk to her anymore, and I don’t plan on posting them or anything (sorry) but should I just go ahead and delete them? Some part of me wants to keep them (probably for a spank bank) but is that fucked up?



Honestly, I don’t see the fuss in you keeping them. You’re trying to justify this with yourself by telling us this pathetic story of you taking her to a game and then finding out that, ZOMG, she was banging another dude. Relax. Take the knife away from your own throat. The only issue with the “spank bank” is that an ideal gallery would include images of women with whom you don’t (or didn’t) share any emotional connection.

Fantasy football conundrum:

Need a suggestion on which of my 2 other RBs to start. No PPR. We have MJD against Seattle already locked into place. But the other two are tricky. Got Hightower Hosting Houston, could be good. Got Ray Rice playing at home against Cincy. He just never Gets TDs. Westbrook-probable against the Bucs, so tempting. And Jerome Harrison playing the Bills…

I’m leaning towards going with Rice and Westbrook. But Rice is such a TD blank Hightower or Harrison could easily do better.

I like Hightower and Westbrook, mostly for the matchups, plus Westbrook can bring himself to play at a high level coming off the shelf. I don’t really know what kind of day Rice will have against a Bengals D that has been playing fairly well of late.

And for copulation conundrums…

I’ve written before, I was the 1 millionth anal question guy.

Your commemorative beads are in the mail.

Anyway the girl is great and I really do like her a lot. Thing is Im getting to meet more Americans here in Peru and it has me kinda longing for a nice easy to communicate relationship. Plus, most of these american broads are dying for an American guy. My spanish speaking goes well but sometimes it can be frustrating with the girlfriend. Although its gotten better. I guess I’m probably better off with the Spanish speaking cutie but is it wrong of me to just want to be lazy and have somebody that is easier to connect with?

And for the record I mean she is a really great person overall and I sometimes question how likely I’d be to find somebody as cool. Just that whole communication boundary can be a real bitch.

I don’t give a fuck how hard it is to communicate. FOREIGN WOMEN KICK ASS. Time to brush up on your Spanish. Trust me, there are plenty of lonely, English-speaking heifers waiting for you to come back to the States. WHEN IN ROME, FUCK THE ROMAN CHICKS!



A guy in my league grew frustrated with Crabtree and dropped him right before he signed. My backup WRs are Nate Burleson, Patrick Crayton and Steve Breaston. Do you think it’s worth dropping one of those guys, who are reliable but by no means spectacular, and taking a chance on Crabtree? If so, which one should I drop?

Drop Crayton. I’ve had that fucker each of the last two years and he’s a perennial disappointment. At least Crabtree has upside.


My girlfriend, who is coming into town today, recently said she’d be willing to let me enter through the backdoor. I’m a bit conflicted because, honestly, I don’t really care. I’m not averse to the idea so part of me thinks I should just go for it. But I’m 98% positive she doesn’t really want to do it (100% she never has) and it was just meant to be a gesture of goodwill, so I feel like it would be more respectful of her open-mindedness if I saved it for something that was actually important to me, sexual or otherwise. Thoughts? –“G”

Saved it? THAT SHIT DON’T ACCRUE INTEREST, YO. It’s an invitation to sodomize. It’s not a money market fund. But yeah, I don’t get the anal thing, either. It’s really an infatuation for the small-dicked. It never hurts to just keep that in mind for later. You know, for when you two live in the same city and are engaged in an actual relationship.


Which three would you start:

Roddy White (vs SF)
Percy Harvin (vs StL)
Hines Ward (vs Det)
Nate Burleson (vs Jac)
Kenny Britt (vs Ind)

I just picked up Kenny Britt, what’re your thoughts on him?

I’ve shared my boner for Hines this week already. I also like Roddy and Percy. But not much.

Does anyone at KSK (or the commenting community) have any experience with women who’ve had laser hair removal on their ‘gines? My girlfriend’s considering. Here’s the thing, I was once with a whore (whore like “escort”), and it seemed like that’s what she had done…but it was weird. Just seemed off, noticeably different from shaved or waxed vaginas, and enough so that I’m not sure how I feel about it. Maybe it was weird just because she was a whore. Maybe because a lasered vag is weird? Any thoughts on this?


Oy Gentlemen,
First with the sex: My girl and I have been together for almost two years now, and I’ll admit it anonymously over the internet that I’ve started thinking of possibly spending the rest of my life with her. She’s beyond my league lookswise, a great cook, and doesn’t hold back in bed, great right? I thought I was the luckiest man in the world until I ran into a little, um, roadblock recently.

Do tell.

Ok, last week me and my girl go out for a friend’s birthday, and as per usual, get wasted drunk. Anyways, we end up back at my place at the end of the night and try to knock out some drunk sex before sleep. Well, she’s going down on me and in bed I like to dominate so I usually like to shove my dick in as far in her mouth as I can to get her gagging (She’s into this, so it all works out.)

Healthy. And awesome.

Well, this particular night after a few minutes, I guess I got too aggressive and gagged her to the point where she vomited all over my crotch. Like, all over.

Wait, I thought you said she was “into it.”

I’m going to spare you the details of what that feels like, but rest assured there was a lot of disgusted screaming and apologizing going on. This has never happened before. I was repulsed. Ultimately we tried to just laugh it off and pretend that it never happened but since Operation Blowchunks, I haven’t been able to ‘get up’ for any kind of intimacy with her. I have no problem getting hard with my porn stash or while thinking about others, but I haven’t been able to do the deed with her. She’s terribly embarassed and I don’t make her feel bad about it. But the mental image of Butter Chicken n tequila spilled over my buddy down below is burned into my head. What can I do to get things back to the way they used to be? There’s got to be a way to eventually go over this right?

Dude, it’s just puke on your junk. What’s the big deal?

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