Tonight, The Final Battle Between Good And Evil Begins… With A Very Long, Spoiler-Laden Preview

09.22.08 9 years ago 52 Comments

Very Deep Announcer Voice: Tonight… They were just ordinary people…

Claire: God, I feel so ordinary despite my flawless skin and supple curves. I always felt like I was destined for something more…

Very Deep Announcer Voice: Who discovered they had EXTRAORDINARY powers…

Claire: Holy shit! I can heal! And this season I turn into an even HOTTER future self! Without a douchebag flying emo boyfriend! GO CLAIRE!

Very Deep Announcer Voice: Powers they can only begin to even comprehend…

Peter Petrelli: My God! I can absorb anyone else’s powers! Except for the ability to turn in a credible acting performance!

Very Deep Announcer Voice: And tonight, they discover they are not alone…

Ronnie Brown: Great Scott! I can score five touchdowns in a single game, so long as I’m tethered to everyone’s fantasy bench!

Very Deep Announcer Voice: That there are others out there just like them…

Brian Westbrook: I can get injured just as fantasy owners are beginning to trust me!

Very Deep Announcer Voice: Some who want to use their powers for good…

Hines: Finaree, Ando and I wirr use sold of Takezo Kensei to batter virrins, instead of being stuck in sterrpid feuderr Japanese subprot! If I sclunch up eyes velly tight, I catch pass flum Jeem Mirror!

Very Deep Announcer Voice: And some who want to use their powers for EVIL…

Jerry: Baby, lemme take you for a ride in Double J One! Once I’m airborne, the ol’ Double-J can flood your poon delta in under five minutes flat!

Niki: Don’t you see I’m having an epic inner struggle with the spirit of my dead sister, who lives inside me?

Jerry: Sweetheart, no one gives a shit about your boring little character. NOW TAKE OFF THEM PANTIES AND LET ME GIVE YOU A REAL TASTE OF ARKINSAW SIRLOIN!

Very Deep Announcer Voice: And some who don’t quite grasp the consequences of their actions…


Very Deep Announcer Voice: …And tonight, they will discover an enemy with powers far beyond what they ever could have imagined.

Horn Rimmed Glasses Guy: Who, me? I’m just a paper salesman… a very creepy paper salesman who brings a creepy Haitian dude with him wherever he goes and kinda looks like he wants to nail his smoking hot adopted daughter… Can I interest you in a ream of Canary Lined Legal?

Very Deep Announcer Voice: No, not that guy…

Sylar: I can trick idiot Indian doctors and superfluous Latin Americans characters into thinking I actually have good intentions, despite my clearly shady demeanor.

Very Deep Announcer Voice: Not that guy either. No, this is a villain so evil, so nefarious, so ruthlessly cunning that even their EXTRAORDINARY POWERS are no match for it. He is a man so cunning, he can tell any lie, AND HAVE YOU BELIEVE IT.

Carl Peterson: I believe the fact that we got completely fucking destroyed in our first three games is a sign of just how much potential this young team has.

Sylar: Oh no! If I eat his brain, my own brain will stop functioning!

Carl Peterson: That’s right! MWAHAHAHAHAHA

Parkman: I can’t read his mind! There’s nothing in it but combs and seal blubber oil!


Molly: I can find anyone on Earth at any time, except for a decent lineman on the St. Louis Rams.

Carl Peterson: You’ll never find me! I’m tucked discreetly inside the decayed asshole of Lamar Hunt’s corpse!

Very Deep Announcer Voice: TONIGHT, they will have to pick sides. They will have to choose between good and evil. Between right and wrong. Between rooting for the Chiefs, or giving up on them altogether. It all begins TONIGHT, and will drag out through numerous subplots that will only serve to distract and annoy you. TONIGHT.

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