Tony and Jess Dine Out

05.29.08 9 years ago 20 Comments

Int. N9ne Steakhouse Dallas, Texas

Tony: So things are all over with that K.I.T.T. guy?

Jess: Yeah, it turns out he was a car. Daddy says that it’s hard enough keeping my suck-u-lent-ly puckered asshole on the A list without being some kind of creepy objectophile.

[cellphone rings]
Tony: You got Romo

Joe: My man Anto-nio! This here’s Papa Joe, just checkin’ to see if you kids have left for dinner.

Tony: [sigh] Yeah Joe, we just walked in the door, is there something you need?

Joe: Aw shit, why’d you leave so early? Don’t you know that big stars like my sweet lil’ honeypot are supposed to show up twenty minutes late for everything? Are the photogs even there yet?

Tony: Why would there be any photographers Joe?

Joe: I might have faxed TMZ a three-page press release announcing your dinner plans.

Tony: And why the hell would you do something like that?

Joe: Because they stopped answering my goddamn phone calls, buncha self-righteous hacks.

Tony: Listen Joe, I’m willing to stuff your daughter’s taco with my chorizo, but you need to back the off, once and for all.

Joe: Alright ‘Tonio, whatever you say goes. I totally comprende, amigo.

[hangs up]

Jess: Say hi to daddy for me!

Tony: I already hung up, [under his breath] dumbfuck.

Obscenely Hot N9ne Hostess: You’re table is all set Mr. Romo, just follow me and feel free to check me out while I switch and walk.

[sits down]

Tony: So, what are you doing next weekend.

OHNH: Probably just sunbathing naked with my obscenely hot friends. So what are you up to, stud?

Tony: Not dating Jessica Simpson, for starters.

Jess: My ears are burning.

Busboy: Miss, please do not lean your head on the candles. They are there for ambiance, not heat.

[Jess sets her hair on fire]

Tony: I’ll get your number on the way out.

[OHNH exits, Busboy extinguishes fire]

Jess: So I don’t get it, what does N-9-N-E mean?

Tony: It’s just a clever way of spelling the number nine. I think the name comes from the age at which the two founders first met.

Jess: I still think N-Nine-Ne is a silly name.

[Joe appears out of the dark as if he’s made of it]

Joe: Hi, my name is Papa Joe, and I’ll be your waiter this evening. Might I suggest starting off with a bottle of the Gamba Old Vine Zinfandel and an order of our shrooms?

Jess: Hi Daddy!

Tony: I have to get the fuck out of Texas.

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