Trilateral Commission Chair Robot Peyton Manning Threw the Super Bowl to Appease Alien Free Mason Elders of Zion

02.23.10 8 years ago 68 Comments

Many fans have difficulty coming to terms with their team losing a big game, especially when the loss is due in large part to their most celebrated player failing when it counted most. This is no more true for Fat Hump Colts fans than it is anyone else. Still, in the aftermath of the Super Bowl we shared a hearty laugh at things like this Bleacher Report dreck from a Colts tard alleging that the Super Bowl was fixed. Whatever, though. Emotions were running high and, besides, Bleacher Report is where idiocy goes to wave its warped genitalia in the face of logic.

HOWEVAH, here we are, three weeks later. The Fat Humps have had time to lick their wounds and console themselves on pizza cones and breaded tenderloin. Yet it turns out a sizable contingent of them still believe that Peyton Manning lost the Super Bowl on purpose. SAY IT AIN’T SO, PEY-PEY!

“I honestly think Peyton Manning gave them the game. He gave them the game,” said John Fraction, 40, an Indianapolis native, swinging his fists at nothing but air after he took a break from serving tables at a downtown sports bar. He spent the Super Bowl rubbing his lucky horseshoes that he swears helped the Colts win their first and only world championship for Indianapolis in 2007.

Obviously we’re dealing with a man of reason.

This time, when the horseshoes became just a bunch of rusty iron in Fraction’s world after the Colts botched a 10-0 lead, he recalled how he wiped tears from his cheeks, and then said softly to himself, “There it is.”

That’s almost poetic in its sheer meaninglessness.

Added Fraction, “I’m speaking for myself. You know? There’s that dilemma that this guy faced, because Peyton Manning is an outstanding quarterback. It just seemed like a battle between pride and greed. Peyton Manning wanted to win a second Super Bowl ring in front of everybody and keep it for himself. That was greed, but pride took over. And you also had the completion thing in play.

It was a dogfight between pride and greed. Greed was up on points, so pride had to go for the knockout. All of a sudden, jealousy entered the fray! But hubris wasn’t having none of that! Empathy tried to butt in on, but pride cold-cocked him in the balls! Every decision in life is like an episode of Herman’s Head.

“Peyton just looked at it as if he were being a better humanitarian if the Saints won the Super Bowl, especially given what the city of New Orleans had gone through. So he got a ring, and Eli got a ring (the year after Peyton in 2008), and in a sense, maybe Archie got a ring with the Saints winning this Super Bowl.”

And Cooper gets the ones that Big Ben won. And Olivia gets Tom Brady’s. The Buccaneers ring, however, was given away by the Mannings to their neighbors as a housewarming gift.

Give or take a few points, others echoed Fraction.

“I mostly agree, but his theory lacked cake.”

There was Deagria Cook, for instance, whose customers as a hair stylist in town include some of the Colts cheerleaders.

What were Cook’s first thoughts with The Interception?

Oh no. Please tell me that’s the writer’s device and that the Humps aren’t actually capitalizing it on each reference.

“It was all of our thoughts, when we were watching the game during a conference in Arizona, and it was ‘Oh, my goodness. He gave this away. Did he really just give it away like that?’ ” said Cook, another Indianapolis native, shaking her head, between bites at a downtown restaurant.


“I mean, really. ‘Was that intentional?’ That’s what we were thinking. At the same time, I felt it was great for the Saints for what it would do for their city. We had our moment a couple of years ago when we won it.

“But, yeah, seriously. Was that intentional?”

Okay, I get the delusion: they think Peyton is so great and infallible that he can only fail if he so chooses to. Even though he’s come up short in numerous other instances in his career. In fact, the only time he’s had a memorably great performance on a huge stage in the pros is the 2006 AFC Championship. This past Super Bowl was not the exception. But it’s different because this time it was INTENTIONAL!

For these people, maintaining the fiction that Peyton Manning is the unquestioned greatest quarterback ever who is also incapable of error is more important than having to believe that championships aren’t decided because of wild conspiracies or players being swayed by personal feelings of sympathy for the opposing team’s home town. In short, they’d rather destroy the game than question their disgusting Peyton worship.

But what am I saying? You’re right! Peyton meant to get pick-sixed! He did! But only because he hates you! Or loves New Orleans! But New Orleans hates you! Either way, you lose! Hooray Colts losing!

Around The Web