The end of May marks what’s known as the upfront season in television, when the major networks announce their fall schedules in hopes of luring big advertising money. But this year’s upfront meeting for ABC was marred by the presence of an unknown intruder. Luckily, we have obtained a transcript of said fracas.
ABC Exec: This is a really strong schedule guys.
ABC Exec #2: I agree. We’ve got Bonnie Hunt starring in a new sitcom.
ABC Exec: And who doesn’t love Bonnie Hunt?
ABC Exec #2: And I love this new David E. Kelley series about gay lawyers who run their own pawn shop.
ABC Exec: I think that might finally be the right vehicle for Blair Underwood.
ABC Exec #2: I agree. And merging “The Bachelor” and “American Idol” into one show where single women sing for the right to be married to a record producer? GENIUS.
ABC Exec: GENIUS.
ABC Exec #2: I think we’re on our way back.
ABC Exec: I do too.
ABC Exec #2: Say, do you smell something?
ABC Exec: I do. Smells like stale beer and lobster shells.
(door flies open)
Tommy: FAAAACCCCCCCKKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUU!!!!! FACK YOU! FACK YOU IN YAR RIGID CUNTS!
ABC Exec: Who the Hell are you?
Tommy: FACKIN’ BAWSTON BRUINS FAN NUMBAH 1A! No one will evah take the numbah one slawt from Denis Leary, BUT I AM NIPPIN’ AT HIS HEELS! The fackin’ B’s just took cay-ah of fackin’ business against the fackin’ hawkey devil Rays, WHO NO ONE WAWNTS IN THE CUP! It belawngs back on Orr-ah Country, you whore-ahs!
(started watching hockey for the first time just last night)
ABC Exec: I think you better leave.
Tommy: FACK YOU! I have seen yar upcoming schedule and it is SHIT! Typical netwark TV cumguzzlahs! THE FACK?! I am here-ah to be your-ah VP of Cawmmon Sense! You can thank me latah! Just blow me and my boy Neil at the bahhhhhh! He’s gawt a cawk like a rhino!
ABC Exec: Can someone call security?
Tommy: Please. You think security can hold these guns down?!
I am here-ah to give you your-ah prawpah fall schedule. Now, everyone knows that Tawmmy from Quinzee has superiah taste in sparts, movies, writing, and girls who won’t go telling if you date rape them! NO ONE DENIES THIS. Everyone knows that I should be placed in a chahhhhge of every TV network, every movie studio, and at least four-ah NBA teams, especially the Timberwolves, BECAWSE THEY AHHH LAWST WITHOUT ME!
Now, take a look at some of these new shows my buddies and I brainstarmed awn the drive to Vegas. I drove 120mph the whole way. NAWNSTAWP.
(hands exec a sheet of paper)
ABC Exec: “Faggot Town”?
Tommy: Pickjah this: A streetsmaht, incredibly funny BAWSTON writah decides to take a jawb out in Laws Angeles, which is where-ah awll the faggots live! While they-ah, he wins the faggots ovah with his unique and lovable sense of humah. But he NEVAH once roots far the Lakahs. It’s classic fish-out-of-vagina tale! AND IT’S ANIMATED.
(eats lunch in Malibu with Phil Jackson)
ABC Exec: “Unintentional Comedy Theater”?
Tommy: That’s when I spend one owah each night laughing at things that ahhh nawt funny. Becawse when I laugh at them, they BECOME funny! LIKE TEEN MAWM!
ABC Exec: “My Crazy Hollywood Friends And Me Get Laid”?
Tommy: Exec produce by Mahhhk Wahlberg! HE CAN BEAT PEOPLE UP!
ABC Exec: “Saved By The Karate Kid”?
Tommy: Karate Kid, back in high school, tryin’ to FACK a really hawt chick. But it’s funny, too! And Mistah Belding is they-ah! And he’s always trying to be cool, but he’s nevah quite cool enough. UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY GOLD MINE!
(nods along furiously to Rise Against song playing in own brain)
ABC Exec: “Untitled HouseO Project”?
Tommy: My friends ahhh so fackin’ funny. You should see how many people signed up far HouseO’s Facebook page! THE MAN IS A PHENAWM, EVEN IF HE’S A YANKEE-LOVING FAGGOT! Wait! He could guest on “Faggot Town”! That’s crawssovah appeal!
ABC Exec: “World News Tonight with Larry Bird”?
Tommy: America wawnts news from someone it can TRUST.
(displays elaborate back tattoo of Bird murdering Osama bin Laden with his bare hands)
ABC Exec: “Boston Wire”?
Tommy: Like “The Wi-ahhh,” but in a city that MATTAHS. And nawt as many dahhhkies!
ABC Exec: These are all horrible ideas.
Tommy: FACK YOU! You think I came here-ah to hear a couple of lousy cahpet-eatahs turn me down? THIS IS HOW IT’S GAWNNA GO, YOU SLUTS. I have clout! I run my own website now! LOOK!
ABC Exec: “Tommyland”?
Tommy: GREATEST WEBSITE EVAH DEVISED! BECAWSE I DEVISED IT! It’ll have the biggest names in writing! BAWB RYAN! Petah Gammons! The carpse of Will McDonough! We’ll be doing a little bit of sparts, a little bit of pawp cultchah, and a whole lawtta telling dahkies they don’t belawng in ow-ah neck of the woods! I AM IN COMPLETE CREATIVE CONTROL!
(has 1,000 things changed by parent company bosses)
ABC Exec: That sounds awful.
Tommy: FACK YOU! What do you know about the ahhhht of writing? You ahh just a jealous hatah who wishes she were-ah pahhht of this, and you can’t be because most women ahhh uncool losahs! My dad said so! It takes a real man to sit they-ah, stare at a blank screen, and have the courage to write KOBE IS A DICKSMACK. It will hahhhhken back to the great magazines of yore-ah, like Inside Sparts, and Velvet, and Southie Illustrated! REAL FACKIN’ WRITING! You should read the 5,000-ward preview Mawlly Lambert wrote far “Saved by the Karate Kid”! I CAN’T WAIT FAR YOU TO READ IT!
(close to hiring Lupica)
ABC Exec: You know what? We’ll uh… we’ll get back to you on this.
ABC Exec: Yes. It’s uh… it’s promising.
Tommy: BECAWSE I GAWT SHANK TO SIGN AWN TOO! FACKIN’ CLEANUP HITTAH RIGHT THEY-AH!
ABC Exec: We promise we’ll get back to you.
Tommy: Good. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. YOU GAWT IT? Nothing is mahhhh happening today than an AOL email account and a remake of The National! FINALLY, A TV STATION AND WEBSITE THAT GIVES THE PEOPLE MAHHHH OF WHAT THEY WANT! ME! FACK YOU!
NOTE: Consider this post a Grantland photoshop contest invite. Send us any mutation of that stupid page you got.