A newborn baby is in critical condition today because his mother tried to out-Florida everyone else in her state. This depressing tale has everything: an all-day crack binge, a motel, giving birth in a bathroom, attempted murder charges, and an 11-month-old crawling around to witness it all.
I’ve emphasized the most Florida aspects of the story:
Chrystal Hassell, 37, told investigators she, her boyfriend and her 11-month-old child checked into a motel room at the Vacation Host Inn on Friday night in Ocala. She said that even though she was seven months pregnant, she started going into labor after smoking crack cocaine for an entire day.
Vincent Terry, Hassell’s boyfriend, left with the 11-month-old boy to run an errand, so Hassell delivered the baby alone in the bathtub. According to a Marion County Sheriff’s Office report, Hassell even cut the umbilical cord with her teeth.
Why didn’t she call for help? Oh, she did. And… that just made things worse.
Hassell’s first call wasn’t to 911, though. It was to her boyfriend, who she told to hurry up and get back to the motel. But, as Terry sped to return, he was pulled over by Marion County deputies. He was wanted for attempted murder in Colorado.
The newborn was airlifted to a Gainesville hospital, where he is listed in critical condition. The 11-month-old boy has been placed in foster care. Hassell is on suicide watch in jail, and faces child neglect charges. Also, she has a third child:
Hassell, 37, also has a 16-year-old daughter who was born addicted to drugs as a result of Hassell’s drug use during her pregnancy.
Welcome to Florida, kids. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/33316/thumb)
In Florida this is called a natural birth.
Goddamnit I have a bad cold and your comment made laugh despite it and now my throat hurts.
I think this may have ruined her chances for Mom of the Year award.
Our top candidate for worst person of the year so far.
Not quite: [uproxx.com]
How could I forget about that? Touché.
This child will one day grow up to become King of Florida… IN THE CIRCLE OF LIFE! (Ingonyama nengw’ enamabala)
THE KING IN THE SOUTH!
Like a scene from Trainspotting
It’s too early for visions of dead babies crawling on the ceiling.
[www.youtube.com]
Here’s the gif
[i.imgur.com]
Further proof that Florida needs to secede from the union.
Secede, or get kicked out? I’m thinking kicked out would be more appropriate. We’re well past the point where the rest of the states can try to put FL in a dark corner and say “We don’t know that guy.”
Crack is whack y’all
I guess it’s lucky she wasn’t a meth-head, because then she might not have had enough teeth left to bite through the umbilical cord.
She was thinking ahead.
This really sucks, I live in Ocala, ugh.. these people kill me….
Give it enough and one of them will.
Please steralize this woman. She doesn’t deserve to be a parent.
The Aristocrats!
A thousand compliments to you. That was perfect.
::Leans back in chair, slow claps::
I say we take off an nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
I genuinely hope you made this account just to say that lol.
I think I’ve seen this before…
[www.youtube.com] (5:26 mark)
i like how we just graze past the part where the boyfriend is also just randomly wanted for murder in a state on the other side of the country.
To quote Dan Egan from veep, “A suicide watch. To make sure she goes through with it”
George Carlin covered this idea perfectly: [www.youtube.com]
[www.reactiongifs.us]
sorry, posted earlier…
Hassell even cut the umbilical cord with her teeth.
Ah. A Gators fan.
This story is like one of Stefon’s clubs…it has EVERYTHING.
Didn’t have Spud Webb…
Someone saw the season finale of the walking dead.
What’s she doing in that picture? Making a deposit at a sperm bank?
I mean I would bang her, isnt anyone else thinking that?
Just wait. Next think you’ll hear is that she got a new reality show on TLC.