A six-year-old Giants fan crushed by the departure of his favorite surly, occasionally motivated power back was told by his mother that Brandon Jacobs left to San Francisco because the Giants didn’t have enough money to keep him. Probably spent it all on acting lessons for Rooney Mara. Anyway, the kid dictated the a letter to his mother and emptied out his piggy bank in a last-ditch effort to get Jacobs to return to Big Blue.
Dear Mr. Jacobs:
My six-year-old son, Joseph, is a huge NY Giants fan. Last year he had the opportunity to go to a game and he just fell in love with the team. He was very sad to learn that both you and Mario Manningham are both no longer with the team. When he asked me why you were going to SF I explained that the Giants did not have enough money to keep you. So, in an effort to convince you to return to NY he wrote you the enclosed letter, and included money for you from his piggy bank.
Jospeh is just learning to read / write so I will help you by translating his letter:
“Dear Brandon Jacobs,
So you could go to the Giants, here is my money.
Okay, everybody on three: BBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW
1. FREE ICE CREAM SCOOP FOR BRANDON JACOBS!
2. The mom thinks she’s shielded her son from the harsh realities of the world by lying to him. I wish I could see the tantrum when the kid finds out he didn’t need to waste his savings.
3. Either Mario Manningham is woefully unloved, or he received the same letter but wanted to keep in on the hush-hush because that three bucks and change is his, dammit.
4. Think we all know this is secretly Elisha. QUIT MAKING OLIVIA WRITE ALL YOUR LETTERS! YOU’RE A BIG BOY NOW!
5. Goodell just suspended Jacobs and the kid for violating non-contract bonus provisions of the CBA.