Week 2 Recap: Entire NFL Hurt

09.14.14 3 years ago 10 Comments

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With injuries to Ryan Mathews and Eric Berry, the last two roster spots in the NFL were freed up on Sunday, leaving questions circulating about who will play the remaining league schedule for 2014.

“It’s just a part of the game,” said an anonymous Peter King source. “You know what you’re getting into with football from a young age. It’s a physical sport. This isn’t baseball.”

The season started off with some high profile players going down, and appeared to snowball from there. Now with the entire NFL either on IR or awaiting word on status, the league is looking to address an issue that, although not surprising, looms big. One suggestion has been sourcing players from both the Arena and Canadian leagues.

“No way am I signing up for that death sentence. I don’t care how much money you offer me,” said some slotback for the Saskatchewan whatevers. “I’m happy just playing the same few teams every couple of weeks, while continuing to work at the makeup counter in Regina’s biggest Shoppers Drug Mart.” “Yeah, that’s not happening,” echoed an Arena league quarterback. “I mean, I guess I used to dream of playing on Sundays, but I’m a little older now, a little more mature, and I love my wife and would never do anything to endanger her.”

It will be interesting to see how the NFL, under heavy scrutiny lately, will handle not having any players at all, although some pundits believe that the actual playing of the games has become secondary to the publicity, while several economists have already mapped out how having exactly zero players available to play football will cause only the slightest dent in the league’s profitability.

When reached for comment, commissioner Roger Goodell, holed up in his underground bunker, allegedly pulled out his genitals, swung them around for all in attendance to see and laughed until the room slowly emptied.

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