This Week In F–k You: Spring

04.10.14 3 years ago 105 Comments


I live in Buffalo, which means that for about four months of the year, it’s cold as fuck, I can’t leave my house without five layers of clothing, and at a minute’s notice, I may be forced to remove a goddamn avalanche of snow from my driveway. Naturally, I spend the entire Long Cold Winter desperately hoping for the spring to arrive so that I can leave my house without 20 minutes of clothing preparation, and re-enter without having to brush snow off my pants with a broom in my hallway. Well, spring is finally here, and you know what, spring fucking sucks, too! In fact, it might even suck worse.

How spring has such a good reputation is beyond me. I think we romanticize the positive aspects of it all while conveniently ignoring all the negative ones. First off, for every pretty spring day where you can walk to the store just a t-shirt, there’s 10 more where it rains all fucking day and it looks absolutely miserable outside. And it’s always that really shitty eff you kind of persistent rain. You know, where it’s too much to be sprinkling, not quite enough to be pouring, and just enough to force you to carry around a fucking umbrella. I hate that shit.

Also, the temperature fluctuates by like 40 fucking degrees over the course of the week. In any given spring week, there will be at least 3-4 times where I’m either over-dressed or under-dressed. I’ve gone outside in my big coat only to find out it’s randomly 65 degrees that day, and the next day, I think this is the new norm, so I leave in just a t-shirt, but it’s 29 degrees now, so I nearly fucking freeze to death. At least in the winter, I KNOW it’s cold as fuck, but spring toys with me for about two months, during which I put away my winter coat only to take it back out about 27 times.

Yes, the flowers are blooming, and we get a few pretty days along with the far greater number of butt-ugly ones, but for the most part, spring is a giant pain-in-the-ass, where the appropriate dress code can change two or three times in a week, maybe even a day. So, let’s stop romanticizing spring as a time of growth and beauty, and admit that’s it’s just as fucking annoying as winter or any other time of year, and that the only truly good thing it ever did was an inspire “Springtime For Hitler.”

Around The Web