What Obscene Acts Are Squirrels Doing To Themselves?

Senior Contributor

We tried to find a more suitable image for this, but there are none you want to see. Trust us. Also, we solemnly swear there will be no puns about “nuts”; just puns about everything else.

Anyway, as we all suspected, squirrels, or at least Cape ground squirrels (who are responsible for an image that you couldn’t escape around 1998, especially on Fark) are perverts. And this isn’t an idle accusation. We have some highly uncomfortable field research by Jane Waterman that shows Cape ground squirrels like to bash the little furry bishop, and, uh, go downtown on themselves while doing it. And apparently it’s good to the last drop, if you know what we mean.

We’ll just let you savor that image, as well as the fact somebody got a grant to go study these little perverts for 2000 hours, and spent a lot of time watching this.

So, are these little guys just unable, in the word of the Stones, to get no satisfaction? Are the pathetic non-alpha squirrels whom the females have rejected doing this alone in a corner and crying? Nope. They actually do it more frequently after scoring, and they do it because it cleans the pipes of any possible infection. The stroking clears the outside, the act humans can only do after a lot of yoga cleans the inside, and the swallowing conserves water, since these are desert squirrels.

That’s their story, anyway. Also, they only read “Playboy” for the articles.

[ via Discover’s Not Rocket Science ]

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