Who Is Peter King?

09.07.10 7 years ago 49 Comments

When we last left amateur Favrologist Peter King, he was picking the Steelers to win the Super Bowl (Apegasm!), testing the oatmeal at Caribou Coffee (surprisingly oaty!), and wishing Tess Quinlan all the best at Marquette. Who is Tess Quinlan? Only the mother of Peter’s bastard half-gnomic love child, if you must know.

So what about this week? How far up Favre’s driveway will Peter get? Because usually, Favre is the one parking in HIS driveway, if you catch my drift (DRIFT: They’re gay!). Should you avoid Matt Leinart in fantasy? Peter has a take on it that will shock and inform you. And will spunky little Willie Cornblatt ever find a father figure as valuable as the man who made him fetch 16 Illys a day? READ ON.

Before I get to the Cutdown weekend news, I want to focus on Pittsburgh for a few paragraphs. Yes, the Steelers.

Oh, the Steelers? I thought you’d be discussing the Pittsburgh Catamounts.

In the wake of the team’s preseason game Thursday, and the injury to presumptive starting quarterback Byron Leftwich, and the four-game suspension Ben Roethlisberger begins today, there might just be a little hometown-boy-makes-very-good fairy tale being written.

And this is the part of the story where Peter makes the idea of Charlie Batch temping for four games try and sound like something loftier than Charlie Batch temping for four games.

Batch last started a game on opening day 2006, with Roethlisberger out after an emergency appendectomy. He completed 15 of 25 passes that day, three for touchdowns in a 28-17 victory over the Dolphins. That made him 3-0 as a replacement starter for the Steelers over a two-year period, something Tomlin might consider in deciding whether to start Batch and bring in Dixon as a changeup pitcher. Or he could give the job to Dixon. Neither would be a surprise. But if it’s Batch, it would be the football gods saying, “Son, you deserve this.”

When I visited Steelers camp in Latrobe, Pa., this summer, Batch told me about all of (his charity works), and I said to him, “You could easily be like so many other players — just take your money, live the good life, buy a house in Boca and move there. Why didn’t you do it?”

Charlie, you easily could have just been a greedy slob who steals foul balls from children and curses out hotel clerks when free coffee isn’t provided at certain designated hours. Why didn’t you? YOU CAN’T IMAGINE HOW GOOD IT FEELS TO BE KING.

Also, Rooney Mara is going to raped in a movie soon. I have no question.

Who Is Max Hall?

Man. Father. Husband. Spy. Traitor?!!!!

This is what you need to know about Max Hall,

He’s the guy who beat Oklahoma last year with BYU, right? I like that Peter’s column is written for people who don’t actually watch any football at all. It’s as if Phyllis George was given her own column.

who — you heard it here first — will start at least one game at quarterback for Arizona this fall:

Wait a second. Are you telling me Arizona might have QB issues during the course of this season? GTFO. I’ll give you this, King. You are BOLD, as bold as a man in oversized cargos and a Red Sox hat can be.

a. He is Danny White’s nephew.

Which is almost as good as being a coach’s kid! Very much looking forward to hearing about how Max “grew up around the game” unlike other QBs, who all grew up in Holland.

b. He’s the grandson of Arizona Sports Hall of Famer Wilford White.

THE Wilford White? Holy smoking shit! Get this man a bust in Canton.

c. As a three-year starting quarterback for Brigham Young, he once threw seven touchdown passes in a game (against UCLA in 2008).

d. He threw 94 touchdown passes in his BYU career, 38 more than Steve Young did for the Cougars.

Why, that’s quasi-Detmeresque!

e. Hall served seven months as a Mormon missionary in Des Moines, the same city in which Kurt Warner played Arena Football. He played no football in 2005 or 2006.

Are you beginning to see the parallels, people? Plays for Arizona. Very religious. Was in Iowa. Was away from the game for a while. Check this man’s scrapbook for a picture of an ugly wife and this man could very well lead the league in reincarnation.

Who is Arian Foster?

The son of a mill worker?

The beer Russell Crowe drank in “Romper Stomper”?

Harry Crumb’s nephew?

On the road for much of the past month, I bet I got approached by 50 fans asking me for fantasy advice.

FAN: Peter, what do you think of Arian Foster?

PETER: Whoa, you know about Arian Foster? You must be a real gridironhead!

(Foster said) ”Coach Koob [Kubiak] wrote in my letter, ‘The biggest jump for a player in the NFL comes between year one and year two.’ That struck me to my core. So I came in focused to become better at every aspect of my game. Everyone wants someone to believe in him, and I feel with me that’s Coach Koob.”

Pretty interesting that Foster’s on a nickname basis with his boss.

This player has a nickname for his coach. Draft him immediately with your first pick, then sit back and pop the Freixinet.

Anyway, Foster’s a bright kid. Majored in philosophy.

Philosophy? Oh, bump him up another three rounds. I never would have taken him high if he’d been a kinesiology major. I want a running back who can not only find the hole, but also is willing to ask why the hole is THERE.

Majoring is so important when judging a football player. Just knowing Dante Stallworth majored in psychology makes me feel so much better about that time he flattened a day laborer.

Like sister-in-law Elisabeth, Matt Hasselbeck loves to go to his right.

Also, he likes to go to Mandingo parties.

Mr. Starwood Preferred Travel Note of the Week

This happened on the Delta Shuttle flight from LaGuardia to Boston last Wednesday at 8:30 p.m.: The flight had open seating, other than the first four rows of first class on the A319 aircraft, and when the flight was called, we were told to take any seat we liked. I settled into my exit row seat on the fairly empty flight (when’s the last time you’ve been on one of those?) when the man in line behind me in the boarding process watched me sit down, then looked at his ticket, and looked up and down the rows.

“Where is ‘Y?’ ” he said. “Do you know?”

“What do you mean?” I said.

” ‘Y,’ ” he said, showing me the ticket.

As on my ticket, the seat part of his boarding pass read, “Y.” Who knows why, but everyone was just taking any seat.

“Oh,” I said. “It’s open seating.”

He looked at me, confused, about to ask another question.

“You can sit anywhere,” I said.

“Ohhhhhh,” he said. “Thanks!”

Fascinating. Join us next week, when Peter helps a confused man locate the nearest Starbucks drive thru. You see, the man thought the drive thru was on Lincoln St. Turns out it was on Harwood Way! I SWEAR THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

I think the hidden story behind the Sage Rosenfels deal by the Vikings might be money. Might.

Possibly. Maybe. We shall see. Was he traded because of money? I THINK I THINK I MAY HAVE THOUGHT SO. Was he traded because of politics? Are oil companies run by a secret board of hybrid owlmen? Does the skin of a Jew turn black if you press against it? MAYBE.

I think the Pat White story — Miami cut White, its second-round pick, after a terrible spring and summer of trying to make him a real quarterback — is a great example of what happens when teams judge a player more for what he does in the winter than in the fall.


I think these are the best nuggets…

And trust me. I’m a licensed nuggetologist.

from the enlightening America’s Game 2009 New Orleans Saints show, airing on NFL Network Wednesday at 9 p.m. EDT:

Defensive coordinator Gregg Williams showed his players nature videos of animals pouncing on their prey and devouring their victims … to get them in the mood for the way he wanted them to attack quarterbacks.


On the Peyton Manning interception that Tracy Porter intercepted and ran back for a game-icing touchdown, NFL Films has a good iso camera on Reggie Wayne… I don’t see Wayne on an iso camera running routes often, but this one was rounded and lazy and not run with the speed that could have had Wayne cutting off Porter. All in all, I’d credit Porter for a great football play, but I’d also criticize Wayne for his route and, to a lesser degree, Manning for making a throw that Porter saw coming a hundred miles away.

So, just to make it clear. It’s more Wayne’s fault for running a bad route than it is Manning’s fault to telegraphing the route and throwing a shitty pass. Please do keep this in mind as every analysis and columnist in the universe spends this year sucking Peyton’s dick and pretending that play never happened.

Coffeenerdness: On the 76 miles of backroads down to Cape Cod Saturday night, I counted the number of Dunkin Donuts stores. Thirty-two. Saw one Starbucks. It’s New England.


Nice knowing you, Jonathan Papelbon.


This week, KSK is raising money for Livestrong and the Wounded Warrior Project through Captain Caveman’s participation in Fight Gone Bad. To learn more, click here. To donate, click here.

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