Why Is Tony Dungy Being So Nice To Michael Vick?

08.20.09 8 years ago 42 Comments

One of the odd things about Michael Vick’s signing last week was the continued presence of former Colts coach Tony Dungy by Vick’s side as both mentor and advocate. Why is Dungy so interested in Vick? Well, we at KSK recently found a tape of the two men meeting privately that explains a great deal. Here now is the transcript.

Vick: Oh, man.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, SHIT brother.

I am HIGH! And I’m an Eagle! God damn! How’d that happen?

Dungy: That was my doing, young man.

Vick: Oh, SHIT! Ming the Merciless! Step off, you creepy shit!

Dungy: No, Michael. It’s me. Coach Dungy.

Vick: Oh, Mr. Quiet Strength Man! How the fuck you doing? You wanna watch Gladiator with me? Fucking Gladiator and weed is DANGEROUS, like me running the ball on 3rd and 34.

Dungy: No, Michael. I’m here to support you in your rehabilitation. It was I who helped broker your deal here in Philly. It was I who convinced Mr. Lurie and Coach Reid that you were fit to play again. That you were a changed man.

Vick: Really? Why? Why’d you do that? And how’d I get so fucking HIGH? Look at my hands, man. Look at them. They’re so handsy.

Dungy: Michael, I did this because I believe in grace and forgiveness. I believe that saving wayward souls is good for the world. I believe we all have good in us, it simply needs to be brought out. But, most importantly, I need your help. Come with me.

(escorts Vick to his basement)

Come closer. I want to show you something.


Dungy: This is Lance. He’s the fiercest gay I’ve ever bred.


Dungy: But I can’t seem to translate that same ferocity into the ring. I need YOU, Michael. I need your keen training skills.

Vick: Oh man, that is FUCKED UP.


(slaps Vick)

Vick: Ouch!

Dungy: You will help me train this gay to fight.

Vick: What if he doesn’t want to fight?

Dungy: Then we drown him. That’s the best part!

Vick: How long have you been doing this?

Dungy: I’ve been staging catfights for a long time now. It’s part of the culture where I come from. I mean really, they’re just gays. I don’t know why anyone would be so upset. This helps control the gay population!

Vick: Good fucking gobblers.

Dungy: Last year, Fag Newz Kennels made over $200,000 in winnings. I plan on doubling that amount this year. I need to find gays that have real gameness, like Lance here. And I need you to train them in the black brick building I have hidden on my property. And if you don’t help me, I WILL SIC MY FERAL GAYS ON YOU. Now come with me. I need to show you the rape stand.


Vick: (throws up)

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