Will He Or Won’t He?

12.31.08 9 years ago 51 Comments

[Office of Mike Tannenbaum, New York Jets general manager. Mike is sitting at his desk as Brett Favre walks in]

Mike Tannenbaum: Hi Brett, come on in and have a seat. So listen, I want you to know that the Jets are truly committed to having you back for 2009.

BRETT FAVRE: Welldatsoll wellinguud derr Mikeybuttah ainso surrabout cumminback cuzimmeen ibeenhere fowrdang monts inna ainseen no guud coonhuntin anuwhure. Endiffderr wonthing Brittfarr wondoo itsgo huntin dem coons.

Mike Tannenbaum: Well, uh, Brett, you know the correct nomenclature is African-American now. I mean, you know, between us whitefolk we can even–

BRETT FAVRE: NO CUMMON DERR yabigol hushpuppy. Coonsin crittersin varmits anna guudoll fishinole. Aingot nunnadat herriNoo Yowrk andiownlee spotiNoo Jerzeegotta bigoll Wappina tracsoot keeppon charjinmee fordda bait. Mighbe sumptin shaydeegonnonn derr, lemme tell ya.

Mike Tannenbaum: Hey, Brett, I totally understand. You’re looking for more of the natural amenities that you enjoyed in Green Bay. And the Jets organization is sensitive to that. So you tell me, what’s it going to take to keep Brett Favre in a Jets uniform for 2009?

BRETT FAVRE: Awcommunderr Mikeydon need nuttinbutta lilmoor tymma thinkuh boudit. Lettoll demoll meedya typespeckuhlatin kinda willie wonnie Brittfarr willie wonnie. Datderr’s guudfer bizniz, lemme tell ya.

Mike Tannenbaum: Brett, we’d really like to avoid that sort of attention this offseason. Now tell me. What does Brett Favre need from the Jets to play quarterback one more season.


Mike Tannenbaum: Come on, Brett, don’t be bashful.

BRETT FAVRE: Welluh…dat Mangeenee? Heddun thinkoll Britfarr ennuhthinkkit mybeeziur fwee din havoll puppytits assa big dog next year.

Mike Tannenbaum: So you want Mangini gone. That’s great, because I fired him like three days ago.

BRETT FAVRE: Yaddid? Aw dat jus dandy.

Mike Tannenbaum: Indeed. Now what else does Brett Favre want?

BRETT FAVRE: Well [reaches into back pocket], beenthinkinbowt dem yooni forms y’allad lasyeer? Ol’ Brittfarr haddenay deeuh boutdat. Now juslooky addis and telloll Brittwutyathink.

[Brett hands Mike a doctored photo]

Mike Tannenbaum: Wow, this is…this is something…I’ll have to get back to you on this, Brett. I notice that on this jersey, you don’t have a number.

BRETT FAVRE: Naw, seederr? Dassa bigoll possum.

Mike Tannenbaum: You want your jersey number…to be a possum?

BRETT FAVRE: Yessir, frunowwon immabee runninnow datderr tunnelendat bigoll voysgun holler, “Heer’s y’alls quoreback, nummer possum, Brittfarr!”

Mike Tannenbaum: That’s some powerful imagery, Brett. But I’m quite sure the league won’t let your replace your jersey number with a possum.

BRETT FAVRE: Dubble possum den.

Mike Tannenbaum: Brett…let’s just put this one aside for now. What else do you want?

BRETT FAVRE: Well…howbow summadem geesinda lockaruum?

Mike Tannenbaum: Geese? Brett…you can’t hunt geese in the team dressing room.

BRETT FAVRE: Hunnum? Ayduwanna hunnum? Ayjuslike geese. Yewlike geese, doncha?

Mike Tannenbaum: Well, yes, of course! I, uh, even had a pet goose as a child! Such…sanitary creatures.

BRETT FAVRE: Yew foolin. Ol’ Brittfarr knowdattif yew haddiny geesen yewdnoduh singulurfer geeses geese, ya bigoll dummy.

Mike Tannenbaum: Oh…well yes, haha! You got me, Brett. I should have known to put one over on you!

BRETT FAVRE: Wellemme thinkusumudder stuffen allbee fixintecall yewtumorruh?

Mike Tannenbaum: That’s fine, Brett. I’m glad we had a chance to meet. Take care.

[Favre leaves. Woody Johnson, Jets owner, enters]

Woody Johnson: So you got Brett to come back, right?

Mike Tannenbaum: That depends. [shows Woody the photo] How do you feel about double possum?

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