XBLA Won’t Let You Touch “Privates”

05.27.10 7 years ago

The image to your right comes from a game called “Privates”, which seems to be a cross between “Lemmings” and “Metal Slug”. Basically, you explore the vagina and rectum, and not in the fun way. That’s the entire problem: somebody’s already explored them the fun way, and left behind all the horrible diseases that you don’t know are lurking until you see something truly horrible come out of places it shouldn’t come out of, and then you go to the doctor, and find out what you have, and have to make a list and call everybody you’ve slept with to tell them they might have it, only to find out that the person who gave you this vile disease knew all about it and thinks it isn’t a big deal and of course it isn’t a big deal to her because she didn’t get a cotton swab rammed up her…


“Privates” is from Zombie Cow Studios, who gave us such adventure-game brilliance as “Ben There, Dan That!” and “Time, Gentlemen, Please!”, and apparently it was intended for XBox Live Arcade as an educational game about the risks of unprotected sex. But supposed, when it comes up for review, the XBLA folks are going to reject it, because they’re all twelve and vaginas are icky.

Meanwhile, why don’t you enjoy the wholesome, accurate depiction of sexuality in “Bayonetta”, or “Wet”, or “Mass Effect”, or “BMX XXX”, or…

[ via the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, thanks to Josh for the tip ]

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