Your NFL Recap: Week 17

12.31.12 5 years ago 44 Comments

The following post does not represent the views or opinions of The Smoking Section. Now, Washington, DC native Greg Whitt, with his take on yesterday’s Cowboys vs. Redskins game.


Imagine this status cascading toward you like the introductions to the Star Wars movies!!!

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a dark warrior from Zachary, Louisiana led a brave cadre of soldiers from the capital of a great and powerful nation to victory against a herd of violent broncos from a planet called Den-ver. The dusky field general, war weary and exhausted, never won another important victory, but he proclaimed that another would take his place upon the throne in the future!!!

Mark Rypien, Stan Humphries, Rich Gannon, Cary Conklin, Heath Shuler, John Friez, Gus Frerotte, Brad Johnson, Jeff George, Trent Green, Tony Banks, Shane Matthews, Patrick Ramsey, Danny Wuerffel, Tim Hasselbeck, Mark Brunell, Jason Campbell, Todd Collins, the truly wretched Rex Grossman, Donovan McNabb, Rex Grossman again, and John Beck all attempted to carry the heavy burden of greatness and they all failed miserably!!! Little did the faithful supporters of that team of downtrodden warriors know that the fates were moving like the gears of a clock to change the course of their lives, and indeed, the history of the world!!!

On February 12, 1990 a stroke of lightning tore through the night sky, crashed through the roof of a modest military dwelling in Okinawa Prefecture, Japan and entered the blessed uterus of Jackie Griffin!!! The unknown power from above spawned a braided, child prodigy who would lead the long suffering city of Washing-ton to a domed village filled with ever growing grass, golden rings, and trophies named after great generals!!! The prophecy has been fulfilled!!! That child was Robert Griffin the third!!! The one who will lead us, and by us, I mean the people of the planet Earth, from this day forward!!! The first chapter of this epic tales of triumph and victory began on December 30, 2012

Still nursing a painful injury from a skirmish with a swarm of winged death birds from the nearby village of Bal-Ti-More, our hero’s body was wounded, but his spirit remained whole!!! Physically unable to lead the attack, his second in command carried the great crusader on his broad shoulders while both fought valiantly against a horde of slack-jawed yokels!!! The second in command ran like the wind for two hundred yards, while his leader threw several well-placed bombs that decimated their foul-breathed adversaries!!!

The shoeless, toothless, soulless, disgusting rubes of Dal-ass were banished back to their detestable home village where they must remain for a full year before they are allowed to poke their bump and sore covered faces above ground, and again feel the warmth of the sun enjoyed by winners and all other non-subhuman species!!!!

Say hello to your NFC East champions!!! This is just the beginning people!!! No one wants to see this band of brothers marching toward them in a tournament!!! I, your lowly narrator, am just happy that the great father above allowed me to live to see this and regale you with tales of these great warriors!!! After I am long gone, my first born son, who I will name Robert Griffin The Third Whitt The First (you must say the entire name) will carry on in my memory and ensure that the story of Robert Griffin the Third and the Redskins of Washing-ton will never die!!! Hail!!! Hail to the Redskins!!!

P.S. Justin Tinsley: Light-skinned aggins stay losing!!!

Around The Web