Your Up-To-The-Second Playoff Picture Updated Round The Clock With Newer, Cheaper Jokes

12.07.11 6 years ago 36 Comments

Unless you’re part of Peter King’s intended audience of people who don’t actually watch football, you have a pretty good idea of which teams are likely to make the postseason. That said, even the savviest of fans can have difficulty sorting through the thorny tangle of tiebreakers that can emerge in tight races. For instance, did you know the seventh procedure used to break a three-way tie for a Wild Card spot is “most player retweets of stupid begging desperate friendless assholes”? It’s true! That’s why they do it!

Yet some would have you believe such a scenario is determined by “best combined ranking among conference teams in points scored and points allowed”. Bunk! Pure bunk! Now you see why confusion is rampant and despair is at an all-time high. Well, worry no longer, friends. For KSK is here to provide the clarity you desperately seek. Follow the handy list below and soon you can redirect your anxiety towards other matters, like everything else in life.


Green Bay Packers

– The Packers have clinched the NFC North title.

– The Packers have also unlocked the “DOIN’ IT THE RIGHT WAY” badge on Foursquare.

– Packers fans have secured the ability to purchase many more pointless stocks in their team and, in doing so, expose themselves to fines of up to $5,000 from Roger Goodell if caught gambling on any NFL game. WHAT FUN! Aren’t those self-righteous “NFL owner” hats worth it?

San Francisco 49ers

– By winning more than half their games, the 49ers have clinched the next seven NFC West titles.

– San Francisco can attain a first-round bye in the playoffs if we can dig up another six Harbaughs to appear on camera in the next three weeks.

– Aldon Smith can secure the unending love of Bob Costas (or the tiny measure of it not already reserved for Bob Costas) if Smith continues his refusal to dance or even linger on the field after making a play.

New Orleans Saints

– If you dig up the grave Jedidiah Gabriel Collins, don’t expect to find a silver tongue. The Lancaster Football Hall of Fame isn’t letting the sucker get in the ground.

– The Saints destroy everybody in the Superdome, but have lost to such heavyweights as the Rams and Buccaneers on the road. Just a friendly reminder in case you felt like getting your hopes up that someone is capable of knocking off the Packers in Lambeau on the road to the Super Bowl.

Dallas Cowboys

– The Cowboys cheerleaders have had an eventful year. One was given a touchdown ball from boyfriend David Nelson. Another was knocked over by Jason Witten on Thanksgiving. And all have been sky fondled by Jerry Jones.

– In a year when the NFC East is so horrible and yet still so horribly overrated, is it right for any team but the Cowboys to win it? I submit that it is not.

Atlanta Falcons

– Julio Jones has clinched being the only interesting thing about this team.

Detroit Lions

– Ndamukong Suh stomped another player and possibly lied about the facts of a car accident he was in. All this Roger Goodell could deal with, UNTIL SUH MADE A MINOR VIOLATION OF THE UNIFORM POLICY, THEN THE LIFETIME BANS FLOWED LIKE WINE.

– Nate Burleson has clinched a Rainer View Elementary School Field Day participation medal. It gets prime place in the Lions trophy case.

Chicago Bears

– Devin Hester said this week that the Bears signing Donovan McNabb would be “a waste of time”. Once again, Hester is the greatest.

– The Bears implosion has less to do with Jay Cutler suffering a devastating late season injury than the universe upholding the rule that no entity associated with Roy Williams shall ever be allowed to flirt with respectability.

New York Giants

– Hey, the Giants just suffering a disappointing but noble December defeat to an unbeaten team. You know what that means: IT’S TOTALLY 2007 AGAIN! EVERYBODY SEES THE SIGNS! TIME FOR UNCOMFORTABLE ELI MANNING CHAMPIONSHIP PART TWO!

– Every scoring play is already automatically reviewed this season, but Tom Coughlin won’t rest until he can automatically challenge them all as well.


Houston Texans

– The Texans are going to make the playoffs for the first time in their history. They may even get homefield advantage. And in true Texans nature, they’re going to do so in a way that ensures the least amount of possible relevance.

– Oh yeah. Who are the Texans?

Baltimore Ravens

– Joe Flacco transformed from a middling game manager to a hardcore porn model so gradually, I didn’t even notice.

– The BCS has decreed that Ball So Hard University will face Swaggin University in the AFC North Sh*thole Braggart Bowl.

New England Patriots

– The universe is capable of many a cruel joke, but none so cruel as to give the Pats really, really good white players like Rob Gronkowski.

– If the Packers played the Patriots in the Super Bowl, Aaron Rodgers would break Dan Marino’s single-season passing yardage record with six minutes to go in the second quarter.

Denver Broncos

– If the Broncos get Tebow to the playoffs, it can be referred to as a virgin berth.

– He’s been a hugely divisive figure, but Skrillex has nothing but the best wishes of Von Miller for winning Best New Artist at the Grammys.

Pittsburgh Steelers

– The Steelers will claim a playoff spot if Ziggy Hood utters the secret word.

– The Steelers have retroactively raped the Cowboys out of two of their Lombardi trophies when Big Ben got Tom Landry’s hat.

Oakland Raiders

– The Raiders have clinched Special Teams Champions of the 2000 NFL Draft.

Cincinnati Bengals

– More damaging to the Bengals’ playoff hopes than losing all three games against the Steelers and the Ravens is their disadvantage in the pivotal “no gingers” first tiebreaker in any playoff scenario.

– Does Cincy even need to make the playoffs? Mike Brown swindled someone in a trade this season. That’s like 15 Bengal Super Bowls.

New York Jets

– Hey, the Jets are starting to do their late season thing. Nice to know who’s going to lose the AFC Championship Game more than a month in advance.

[McNabb image via reader Aaron]

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