Zero Dark Fitty

12.13.12 5 years ago 59 Comments

Team leader: Extraction team in place. We have arrived at the target location.

Project leader: Excellent, team leader. You are all set to engage. Proceed with caution.

Team leader: Yessir.

Extraction team, go! Entry point located. We’re going in the vents.

Team leader: According to the schematics, we should be just over the ministry of information. It is imperative that we not be detected. The entire mission will be jeopardized.

Ken Whisenhunt: So we’ve made the decision to go with Ryan Lindley again as our starter for Sunday.

Reporter: What led you to go back with Lindley?

Ken Whisenhunt: [shrugs]

Reporter: Could you articulate that?

Ken Whisenhunt: [while shrugging] Ehhhhhhh?

Reporter: Any special wrinkles planned for the offensive play calling this week?

Ken Whisenhunt: Well, I’m not at liberty to divulge complete details of our gameplan, but we’re gonna be running on every down.

Larry Fitzgerald: Nooooooboooddddyyyy knows… the trouble I’ve seen… Nobody knows…. my sorrow…

Team leader: Fitty!

Larry Fitzgerald: Huh? Who’s there? Is that you, Kurt?

Team leader: No, Fitty. We’re getting you out of here.

Larry Fitzgerald: Oh, no. I can’t leave. The Cardinals have been so nice to me. Did you see the contract they gave me? I would never want to abandon my teammates like that.

Team leader: Dammit. Classic case of Stockholm Syndrome. Administer the sedative.

Extraction team member: Hey Fitty, my mom made this piece special for you, but she put it inside this syringe.

Larry Fitzgerald: How nice! I can’t say no to a fan! [passes out]

Team leader: Target is acquired. I repeat, target acquired. Beginning extraction…

Daryl Washington: Hey! Who are you all? You’re not supposed to be here!

Team leader: Sh*t! We’ve been spotted! Go! Go! Get the target and go!

Daryl Washington: [Misses eight tackles]

Team leader: There! Our escape point! Through that massive gap in coverage. [Steps on William Gay’s face]

We’re sorry we had to do that to you, Fitty. But once you come to, we’ll begin the deprogramming. Before you know it, you’ll be a useful member of society and fantasy football once again.

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