The first of two CNN GOP Town Halls took place on Wednesday night, and boy howdy, there was a lot of awkward going on. This event followed the good ol’ Southern brawl of last weekend’s South Carolina debate, so it was a letdown. As an Ambien-inspired town hall, featured players included Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, and Ben Carson, and it’s a good thing CNN started with these three fellas because there’s now the promise of more for Thursday’s event. Also, beginning a town hall with Ben Carson is a surefire way to put the audience to sleep. The doc’s soothing voice made me wanna grab a blankie and conk right out.
As far as policy goes, these guys didn’t tell us much that we didn’t already know. Ted Cruz played to the Christian Coalition and gave us some genuinely creepy moments. Ben Carson tried to convince the world he had enough life experience to make up for his lack of political experience. Marco Rubio aimed to inform the world that he’s hip. All around, this was an excruciatingly fruitless viewing experience. Fortunately, there were plenty of awkward moments to fuel a few hours. Shall we begin?
Ted Cruz Sings Stevie Wonder
Fresh off his hardcore diss of an adult film star and New Hampshire exorcism, one of Cruz’s scripted questions (and they were all pre-planned inquiries) aimed to convince the world that Cruz is not a person who has to beg for a hug. Nope, Cruz enjoys a very romantic relationship with future First Lady Heidi Cruz. They’re so gushy together that Cruz claims to sing songs to her from the campaign trail. He demonstrates for Anderson Cooper, whose reaction face is everything.
Marco Rubio Loves EDM, But Doesn’t Rave
Rubio finally took a much needed nap and rebooted the hard drive, and he went into the town hall after receiving the coveted Nikki Haley endorsement (she’s seeking a “vibrant” Republican party). So, Rubio showed his vibrancy by telling Coop about his love for EDM music and its wholesome lyrics. Coop asks Rubio if he’s ever been to a rave, and Rubio says no. He’s too “old,” and this is a “Republican primary,” for crying out loud. By now, any good political junkie has heard the rumors about Rubio’s love of foam parties. Rubio has even sort of addressed the talk by saying he went “one time.”
Ben Carson Knows Late-Night Phone Calls
Carson’s lack of political cred was always gonna be a handicap. Even Rubio, who’s a first-term senator, was a likely go-getter on the high-school debate team. Whereas Carson spent his professional life (as a neurosurgeon) crafting a bedside manner, which is perhaps why his voice puts people into a coma. Nonetheless, Carson tries to convince the audience that problem-solving skills associated with on-call doctor life is good enough experience for running a country. Well, we also have a real-estate mogul running for president, so perhaps Carson isn’t the least qualified GOP candidate? Nah.
Ted Cruz Explains His Unlikable Nature
At one point, Cooper mentioned to Cruz, “It’s reported you don’t get along with fellow lawmakers,” and Coop wanted to know how Cruz would cope with being such an unlikable president. Cruz tried to explain that Ronald Reagan was extremely disliked by everyone, including Congress, so the Cruz factor wouldn’t be any worse. Further, Cruz tried to blame his unlikable nature on his constituents. He’s only doing the unlikable things they’d like him to do in Congress, so he’s essentially blaming his voters. Awkward.
Ben Carson Really Digs His Gun
Carson previously made several unfortunate statements about guns, although these may have been fanciful words intended to reel in the Ted Nugent crowd. Carson possibly made up a story about being held up at a Popeye’s, which led to him telling the robber to point the gun at a cashier. Carson also said he wouldn’t have allowed the Umpqua gunman to shoot him. Things somehow grew worse when he said armed Jews could have prevented the Holocaust. He toned down his rhetoric, but Carson loves guns again at this town hall: “I don’t know that I feel the need to have a gun, but I like having a gun. It’s a nice thing to have.” And it’s a nice thing to have votes in South Carolina.
Ted Cruz Is A Scotch Man
This Vine is pretty self-explanatory, right? We’ll pick up next time with Part 2 of the CNN GOP Town Hall series.