Every now and then, a local news outlet — typically one below the Mason-Dixon line — will unleash something onto the web so jaw-droppingly insane that, as a person who writes on the internet, I can almost feel myself becoming engorged as I read it. But this story out of West Virginia — where things like this happen — is so over-the-top ridiculous that, instead of causing me to swell with excitement, I find that it’s actually causing me to lose my mind a bit. Like, I have no idea where to even start.
I mean, it’s got everything — a pimply dude with a frosted faux-mohawk, a dead farm animal, West Virginia, pornography, lady’s underwear and America’s latest scourge: bath salts. Let’s just start right from the beginning, shall we?
This sad but epic saga begins with a 4 year-old little boy and the pygmy goat he cherished. Given to him as a birthday gift by his grandmother, Lisa Powers, on Friday, the boy named the male goat “Bailey” after a female character on the Disney Channel television show “The Suite Life on Deck.” On Monday night, the goat went missing and Powers’ nephew, Joshua Pollis, got a tip from a neighbor that it had been spotted wandering around the home of a notorious local 19 year-old twat named Mark Thompson. And that’s where the sh*t hit the proverbial fan.
Pollis and two women walked into Thompson’s house looking for the goat, according to the criminal complaint filed in Kanawha County Magistrate Court.
The three entered the house and made their way to Thompson’s bedroom door when Thompson spoke to them, Powers said.
“He told them, ‘Don’t come in, I’m naked,'” Powers said. “But they opened the door and he was standing there with his pants down. He had on women’s clothing and the goat was dead and there was blood everywhere. It was just a scene.”
So the women called the police and when officers arrived at Thompson’s house, he confessed to them that he’d been high on bath salts for three days.
When police entered the house they found fresh blood near the front door of the bedroom and in Thompson’s bedroom to the right of the front door. Inside the bedroom police found the small gray and white goat wearing a pink collar lying dead on the floor, blood coming from its neck, according to the complaint. There was a pornographic magazine photo laying a few feet from the goat, the complaint states.
Apparently, signs pointing to Thompson — who’s been charged with animal cruelty — being a rotten egg have been around for some time. According to Powers, she tried to set him straight by taking him to church when he was a kid, but he just “stole the communion wine and went out the downstairs door,” she said. “I never took him back … We tried to be friends with him until we saw how he was … He’s just been a menace since I’ve been here.”
So typical.