Just a few minutes ago, the president of the United States of America stepped up to the podium in the White House briefing room to discuss his birth certificate. The assembled members of the press in attendance were each holding a copy of said birth certificate, and every television network interrupted its regularly scheduled programing to carry the address live to the nation. And this, ladies and gentlemen, was the precise moment where America reached its stupid vortex. It’s pretty much official now — we’re all just characters in Mike Judge’s Idiocracy. We might as well just go all the way and start watering our plants with Four Loko.
Standing before us all like the lone adult in a room full of unruly children, President Obama calmly explained that the reason he was finally addressing this is because America is basically f*cked, and we’re not going to become unf*cked any time soon if we continue to be “distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers” — a clear shot at human horsesh*t dispenser Donald Trump and the rest of the lowest common denominator-pandering assclowns in the Republican party. He didn’t mention it specifically, but I firmly believe Obama was spurned into action once he learned that the batshit crazy birthers had even begun taking over the message boards on Amazon.com.
“We do not have time for this kind of silliness,” Obama told the nation of drooling buffoons he presides over. “We’ve got better stuff to do. I’ve got better stuff to do.”
And here, AGAIN, is the president’s birth certificate…
Hahaha…KIDDING!!! But don’t you kind of wish this is what Obama would have done instead — just walked up to the podium, extended his arm, stuck out his middle finger, looked into the camera and said, “Tell me how my ass tastes, retards!”
Here’s the actual birth certificate…
What’s perhaps most sad about all of this is that you know the birther idiots will never let this go. They’ll say that it can’t be legit because it says “Certificate of Live Birth” across to top of the form instead of “Birth Certificate,” because their wee brains can’t process the fact they both mean the same damn thing. They’ll say that Obama waiting so long to release the birth certificate can only mean that an elaborate forgery operation was employed, and his controllers, led by George Soros, needed all to this time to get it just right. Or they — the same people who believe what the bible says about Jesus turning water into wine and Noah riding out a flood on an ark with two of every animal, reptile and bug on the planet — will demand to see it in their own hands with their own eyes. Or they’ll say he’s an alien from outer space who didn’t really graduate with honors from Ivy League schools and demand to see his college transcripts next. Don’t believe me? Go read the comments on this FoxNews.com story about the whole thing. It’s a freaking circus of insanity in there.
Donald Trump, who on Monday night told Anderson Cooper that the “investigators” he’d dispatched to Hawaii to look for the birth certificate told him it was “missing,” meanwhile isn’t even close to being ashamed of himself.
“Today I’m very proud of myself, because I’ve accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish,” the bloviating reality TV prick said. “I want to look at it, but I hope it’s true. … But he should have done it a long time ago.”
Here’s video of Obama’s address, which I’m convinced future historians will look back upon as the day America officially jumped the stupid shark.