This Week In Non-Shocking Florida News

As Uproxx’s Senior Florida Analyst and Resident, I have to deal with the “People from Florida are stupid” comments on a pretty regular basis. The fact is, we’re incredibly stupid. But we have feelings, too. Some of us are also less stupidester than the rest of the people in the state, so we take offense to people constantly bringing up things like botched presidential elections, whimsical prisoner executions, absurdly corrupt governors, and illiteracy rates that make third world countries laugh.
Yet as I try to defend my beloved state (not my birth state, mind you – Missouri represent), it’s a wasted effort because there are so many incredibly asinine news stories coming out of this state on a daily basis. I wish the least of our worries was a governor who is implementing mandatory state employee drug testing to benefit his own chain of walk-in clinics, but nope. Not thanks to the fine people who make crystal meth.
With that said, here is the best of this week’s Florida news…

A police officer in Brooksville (north of Tampa, south of culture) was unemployed as of Monday after he was accused of trying to abuse his power in the form of stealing a kiss from a female inmate at the Hernando County Detention Center. It could have been worse. At least it didn’t involve a morgue (fingers crossed for next week). Regardless, officer Marc Davidoff allegedly violated 8 department rules, which is actually pretty impressive for a Monday.
The female inmate in question was cleaning the department as per her detail, when Davidoff cornered her in a room and tried to force her to kiss him. She refused and left the room, later reporting the incident to his superiors. Normally, this would be a case of he said/she said, but his superiors wired her and recorded the conversation when Davidoff drove her back to jail. During that drive, he not only admitted to trying to kiss her, but he asked her to call him when she is released. I’m guessing the conjugal visit has been canceled.
(St. Petersburg Times)
A 37-year old Ocoee woman was arrested for child neglect after a bartender called 911 because the woman fell asleep at the bar with her 4-year old child in her lap. Now before you get all judgmental and criticize her for having her young child in a bar at 10:30 on a Thursday night, you should know that the mom left the bar after 20 minutes of being there to get her son out of the car. See? She didn’t want her 4-year old son to get hurt from sitting in a hot car while she was getting drunk. At least inside the bar, the boy could be around the table full of father figures that mommy was getting hammered with.
As if this story isn’t bad enough, the mom had also left her two other kids (ages 7 and 9) at home by themselves, so the chances of her winning Parent of the Year may be slimmer than they were before this week. I’m sure her and her kids will laugh about this whole mess the next time the court allows her to visit them.
(WFTV Action 9)
Lawrence Dixon and Carl Dudley were a few hours away from their homes in Broward County when they were arrested for breaking into Key West High School and attempting to steal 30 pounds of chicken nuggets. They also had some coins and one graduation tassel in their possession, and while I’m no CSI agent, I’ve already uncovered their dastardly plot. They were going to fly to Milan and woo dozens of supermodels with their claims of being high school graduates and then they would lure them back to their penthouse suites with promises of unlimited chicken nuggets.
Actually, they told the police that they needed the chicken nuggets and graduation tassel to start their own business. Neither moron could make bail, so they’re still in Key West jail on charges of unlawful takeout. Seriously. Unlawful takeout. That’s a crime in Florida.
(WTSP 10 Tampa)
Who says newspaper journalism is dead? The Sun-Sentinel surveyed 105 obstetricians and gynecologists in South Florida and discovered that 15 of them refused to accept overweight or obese patients. The doctors cited a number of reasons for refusing to take overweight patients, including fears that fatter patients could experience more complications, thus putting the doctors at risk of lawsuits, but also because their equipment isn’t made to handle wide loads.
Many of the other OB-GYNs chimed in to say that they find weight discrimination to be a terrible way to run medical practices and that they’re more than happy to treat and examine overweight women, which is the same philosophy that I followed in college.
(Hartford Courant)
A Deland (think Daytona redneck charm without the beach) man was arrested for a misdemeanor after he failed to report that he discovered his friend’s dead body in the room above his girlfriend’s garage. Originally, William Hendrix told the police that he didn’t report the body because he was overwhelmed with sadness, but he eventually admitted that he was afraid that his girlfriend was going to be pissed. So he poured some bleach on the body and mowed the lawn.
Hendrix’s girlfriend had been upset with him in the past for taking in boarders without her permission and now he faced her wrath for not only having a freeloader, but a stinky dead one at that. And imagine if he didn’t mow the lawn! He’d be sleeping on the couch for sure.
(WKMG Local 6)

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