Why Can’t You Find A F-ing Job?

It’s pretty tough out there in the real world. The unemployment rate has been as high as 19% over the past few years, depending on which reports you read, and that’s not good for the people who are trying to put food on their tables. I mean, komodo dragon eggs are expensive and daddy has an omelette hunger that is insatiable. So why has it become so hard for us to maintain our lavish lifestyles in America?

Let’s start by taking a look at ourselves first. Chances are if you’re out there looking, applying and interviewing, then you obviously have the basic background and qualifications, so maybe you’re doing something wrong. And 71% of managers interviewed by said that the No. 1 mistake we make in job interviews is answering phone calls or texts. At least when I answer the phone, I say, “Well yes, Mr. Microsoft, I would like to be your king.” Works every time.

And you would think that all of these internet sites would help you find a job, but there’s a harsh reality going down right now – there just aren’t enough jobs. Despite what job search websites tell you, there were 15 million people looking for jobs in November, and there were only 3.25 million actual jobs available. So when you were looking on Monster, CareerBuilder and Craigslist, you were being led on. That’s right – those sites were worse than that girl you met at the bar last week.

But don’t worry too much. As the polls have spouted numbers like 15% or 19% or 12% or eleventy-billion percent over the past two years, there’s sun on the employment horizon. Current trends indicate that the unemployment rate will drop back to 8% by the end of 2011. So act like a squirrel and store your nuts, because good times are coming. Unless you’re willing to do porn. Because then you’re probably fine.


  • Answering your phone during a job interview? Enjoy unemployment. (Chicago Breaking Business)
  • As much as you think the Internet will find you a job, it probably won’t. (The Atlantic)
  • By the end of 2011, the unemployment rate will be 8%. So that’s good. (Reuters)



  • So you know how kids in college always need money and clothes and furniture and beer and books and sex and approval and popularity and money and help and legal counsel and money and money and money and money? Well, it turns out they just needed their parents to tell them they’re great. (Parent Dish)
  • Rupert Murdoch and Steve Jobs are about to revolutionize the journalism industry. The billionaire duo is on the verge of launching The Daily, the first daily newspaper meant solely for the iPad. Extra! Extra! Give me an iPad! (Huffington Post)



  • The unemployment rate was 9.4% in December of 2010 to end the year. From 1948 until last year, the average unemployment rate was 5.7%, with the all-time high occurring in 1982, when the rate was 10.8%. The lowest ever rate was 2.5% in 1953. Responded Doc Brown, “My DeLorean doesn’t look so dumb now, does it?” (Trading Economics)
  • By the end of 2010, at least 25 states offered 53 weeks of Emergency Unemployment Compensation, 26 weeks of standard Unemployment Insurance and 20 weeks of Extended Benefits. In related news, I’m offering 52 weeks of friends with benefits to Rachel Bilson. (Unemployment Advice)