It’s been a great season in Row 2, Seat 5 at the Smoothie King Center. Friendships were forged and empty threats were made. Games were played on and off the court. My hometown New Orleans Pelicans didn’t do anything of note which, as a fan, made for a disappointing season. Luckily for me, the coaches, players, and team officials I sat behind made for a remarkably informative and interesting few months. So, it is my pleasure to dive back into my notes, my drafts, my posts, and present to you, the First Annual Behind the Bench Awards.
Most Locked In: Kristaps Porzingis
Over and over I see players allow themselves to be distracted during the game. Whether it’s cracking jokes with each other, watching the dance team, or cracking jokes while watching the senior citizens dance team, players are not automatically locked in. The ones least likely to be focused on the task at hand are the rookies. Often spending their time on the bench taking in the atmosphere or chatting with teammates. Which is what makes Kristaps Porzingis all the more impressive. The lanky rookie didn’t look up from the game once, despite the best efforts of Pelicans and Knicks fans all game long. (More on my time behind the Knicks bench)
Runners-up: The Sacramento Kings. One would think the Kings’ body language would be less than high status, but what I saw during warm-ups and team introductions was closer to Golden State than Philadelphia. While that swagger didn’t result in a winning season, I believe that Sacramento is in a better position than most give them credit for. This team enjoys each other’s company. (More on my time behind the Kings bench)
Biggest Baby: Kenneth Faried
When Kenneth Faried isn’t using his paycheck as a punchline, he’s likely spending more brain space than he’ll ever admit on the fans in the stands. He’s the opposite of a guy like Kris Humphries who absorbs a barrage of terrible Kardashian references wherever he goes and keeps the fans on mute. One time I saw Kris ignore a gaggle of drunk businessmen until the end of the game when he offered them his jersey and then threw his sweaty towel at them instead. Faried appears incapable of a status move like this. He just wants you to know he makes more money than you.
Runners-up: The grumpy Portland coaching staff for hating Periscope (and probably Snapchat, Blab, Tinder, and Tidal too).
The Road Trip All-Stars
The ultimate test of a person’s skill level of being a badass human being is the road trip test. Would you want to spend multiple days in a small space with this person? If not, they can only be so good. I proudly present the NBA players who were so much fun to sit behind that I predict they would make legendary road trip partners.
Shotgun: Draymond Green
In the playoffs last year, Draymond and I frequently went back and forth on each other. When the Warriors returned to New Orleans early this season Draymond came straight over to me and asked how I was doing, said it was good to see me. After congratulating him on the ring, we shook hands and wished each other good luck on this season. Draymond strikes me as the type who can take over a road trip when he needs to, pump the gas when he needs to, and change the tires when he needs to.
Behind the driver’s seat: Lance Stephenson
Ever since Lance locked eyes with me and slid his hands down his pants I knew he was a ride-or-die dude.
Behind the passenger seat: Joe Ingles
Someone on this road trip is going to have questionable travel habits and if I get to pick my poison it’s going to be Joe and his booger pickin’ ways. It’s better than having a relentless farter amongst your ranks. By the way, I hope to catch a player farting in 2016-2017.
The Behind The Bench Best Ever Award: Paul Pierce
Between offering sound advice to the youngsters on the Clippers to bossing around ball boys to shutting up obnoxious fans with the greatest of ease, Paul Pierce is the best in the world at what he does. He did it last season with the Washington Wizards, a team that came to New Orleans early and was easily the most entertaining team to sit behind. Their magic was non-existent in 2015-2016 because The Truth took it to Los Angeles. His kryptonite? Just wear something nice to the game.
Runner-up: Caron Butler for openly admitting he has a problem with Norris Cole and for saying Omer Asik can “wash his grill this summer,” an insult that both doesn’t make any sense and cuts really, really deep.
Most Classic Moments Behind The Bench:
See you next season!
