Ever since Brooklyn Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov agreed to pay over $100 million â€” not to mention another $80 million plus in estimated taxes â€” to construct a legitimate title-contending team with Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett and others joining this offseason, they’ve been exchanging harsh words with other teams. So why not just antagonize every team in the NBA?
First, there was the battle over New York City. Pierce popped off, talking about the Nets “running New York,” and his still-growing hatred for the Knicks. J.R. Smith came back saying the Knicks would always be the “marquee team in New York.” Jason Terry got into the mix with perhaps the best line in the back-and-forth after being told about the Knicks’ title aspirations. Pierce wondered who J.R. Smith even was.
Before Miami and Brooklyn battled last night, LeBron James mentioned the hypocrisy he saw when Ray Allen was castigated by KG, Doc and Pierce for leaving Boston only to have all three leave a year later. Then, after Brooklyn beat up on Miami, KG sat down at the post game press conference and said, “”Tell LeBron to worry about Miami. He has nothing to do with Celtic business.” Pierce, for his part, informed LeBron he was traded to the Nets.
The Internet loves this stuff, but we doubt there’s any real animosity between any of these players; although, we don’t doubt for a second Pierce hates the Knicks. He convinced us of that in-person. That being said, who doesn’t like a little bitterness between foes?
Since the Nets already have a head start on exchanging largely surface aspersions on two other teams, we thought we’d go through the other 27 teams left, and see if we can start a feud with all of them. The Pierce/KG dynamic is one based on mutual respect for one another, but also the ability to mess with the head’s of other players. New Knicks forward Metta World Peace called Pierce the best trash talker in the league, and refused to elaborate beyond just repeating that Pierce is the best. KG has already riled up a supposedly matured Carmelo Anthony. So driving a wedge between the new Nets and the other NBA teams will be easy.
Basically, we’re just going to give the Nets a handy primer on things they can use to mess with the other teams.
Mention how much money Paul Millsap could be making. Obviously Kyle Korver‘s resemblance to a certain CBS sitcom star and Demi Moore-ex is rife for parody.
They wouldn’t dare, but if they did, it would be easy to just say Rajon Rondo is overrated at Connect Four. There’s also the usual “I’ve got sneakers older than you,” line about new head coach, Brad Stevens.
One dig about the petrie dish the Bulls locker-room became last postseason would be a good start. But since KG and Pierce used to play under Tom Thibodeau when he was an assistant coach with the Celtics, they’ve probably got a good handle on all his insecurities. Also, don’t say Derrick Rose lacks heart after sitting out last season.
Kyrie Irving is a young pup, so they’ll probably just beat up on him physically until he breaks. But there’s always Tristan Thompson‘s shooting form, or Andrew Bynum‘s salon stylist.
There’s a wealth of disparaging things the Celtics could say to and about Mark Cuban. Dirk Nowitzki is a Hasselhoff fan, so that’s a possibility. Or just foul Vince Carter hard and he’s probably done for the night. About the only guys with worse shooting form than TT in Cleveland, are Michael Kidd-Gilchrist and the Mavericks’ Shawn Marion, though we’re pretty sure Matrix has heard it all before.
Just taunt them for losing one of the best GM’s in the league when Masai Ujiri jumped ship to Toronto. Also, Andre Miller‘s advancing years (though it’s hard for KG or Pierce to talk). The real weak point, we’re guessing, is JaVale McGee, JAVALE McGee, JAVALE MCGEE! Danilo Gallinari might take umbrage if they disparage the Rocky movies.
GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS
Allude to the Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson movie Unbreakable when discussing Andrew Bogut and Stephen Curry. Say something stridently secular to Mark Jackson.
Just refer to anything Dwight Howard has said over the last year â€” specifically these words. But try and keep it kosher by avoiding any Jason Whitlock-esque comments about Jeremy Lin.
Start a PEDs witch hunt about Roy Hibbert after his grueling offseason. Look wistfully at Danny Granger while pointing to Lance Stephenson.
LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS
They know Doc well, so we’re sure they’re aware of some skeleton’s in his closet. Or just mention the fact every player on their roster is getting paid by a racist, slum lord.
LOS ANGELES LAKERS
There are way too many to list here, but Kobe probably doesn’t enjoy Eagle, CO remarks, and you just know Steve Blake gets annoyed anytime his Maryland Terrapins are insulted. One player that’s totally immune to feuding, Nick Young. Nick Young is unflappable because Nick Young cannot be embarrassed.
Larry Sanders has an interesting new tattoo (even though he’s amazing). Or just bring up that awful deal sending Tobias Harris to Orlando for a third of a season with J.J. Redick.
Easy. Any negative statement about Ricky Rubio in the press or on the court will have the whole state against the Nets. Also, David Kahn is still a sore subject.
NEW ORLEANS PELICANS
That laughable Tyreke Evans contract is an easy target. Austin Rivers just had perhaps the worst rookie year in history, so a comment about nepotism might be in order.
OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER
Anything about that James Harden trade to Houston will sting for Thunder fans. Or, just the mere presence of Hasheem Thabeet on the roster.
If Glenn Davis and Jameer Nelson are actually playing, just remind them that they’ll be gone soon, and Hedo Turkoglu used to be their most effective offensive option. Also, any mention of Dwight Howard still stings.
Why bother? Sorry Philly fans.
They’ve got a tightwad owner in Robert Sarver, and you can still piss off Suns fans with a well-timed Steve Nash joke. Otherwise, why bother?
PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS
Un-ironically rehash the best jokes from Portlandia, and make sure to mention the Jail Blazers at least once â€” as well as that tough Western Conferene Final against the Lakers (with Tim Donaghy as the ref).
Boogie is a walking time bomb, so it won’t take much to set him off. Zeke probably gets defensive about his height.
SAN ANTONIO SPURS
Um, err, KG already took this to a not-so-fun place with an awful comment directed at Tim Duncan.
Rudy Gay‘s vision is easy to insult, and former Raptor Alan Anderson might know some good Landry Fields digs. Plus, you know, Canada (note: I’m basically Canadian, so I would get pissed off about this as well).
You can’t even get a drink at some Salt Lake City watering holes without becoming a member of a drinking club, so there are countless opportunities for ascetic jokes â€” of the Mormon variety (possibly with South Park references). Also, Gordon Hayward‘s hair is an easy target, and he has probably the pastiest pigment in the league.
Feel free to add your own in the comments, but try and keep it respectable â€” even if the Nets don’t.
What do you think?
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