On Tuesday night, Rihanna’s boyfriend performed in Phoenix and broke the internet (well, more like, it was mentioned on the internet a few times) by wearing a Devin Booker jersey. The seeds of this love may well have been planted back when Booker played for the University of Kentucky, but nonetheless it’s a shrewd choice on Mr. Drake’s part. Booker was one of the brightest spots in an otherwise maudlin Suns season, and he’s already something of a cult hero on Twitter and in certain desolate areas of the American Southwest.
But every NBA franchise has its own particular lore, its own weird assemblage of personalities, its own hot — or not — stars and gunslingers and company men. Picking a specific player’s jersey to represent a team isn’t just revealing knowledge of the existence of a professional basketball franchise. It’s signaling that you know, figuratively, what’s up. Knowing when to wear the obvious jersey and when to go with something just slightly more esoteric is a delicate art. With that in mind, here is a guide for which jersey Drake should wear in every NBA city.
Golden State Warriors
Klay Thompson. Klay’s anodyne personality and perpetual vacant stare belie the pure evil he unleashes when he hits a few shots in a row. With Durant, Curry, and Draymond Green all suiting up for the Warriors, you just know Klay is going to win a playoff game or two basically by himself, so this would be a purely game-respect-game gesture from Drake.
Cleveland Cavaliers
Kyrie Irving, because he has a Friends tattoo, which means he appreciates popular television, as does Drake.
Chicago Bulls
Dwyane Wade, because they are probably friends and Drake seems like he enjoys the idea of friendship.
San Antonio Spurs
None. Wearing a jersey to curry favor with this fanbase would be considered gauche.
Miami Heat
Udonis Haslem. Sometimes it’s a generous and loving gesture to show appreciation to the lifers who have been through good times and bad, the guys who are abandoned by their peers one by one, but still have some mid-range jumpshots left in them.
Oklahoma City Thunder
This year, the only acceptable thing is a Russell Westbrook jersey. You simply must pay respect to the heroic man who took the enormous amount of money and all the accompanying social capital to stay in Oklahoma and not run off to the Bay Area like a baby. You can also wear a Kevin Durant jersey, but it must be on fire.
Utah Jazz
Gordon Hayward, because Drake probably thinks they have a lot of stuff in common.
Atlanta Hawks
Kent Bazemore. With that pterodactyl wingspan and his infectious laugh, you can’t really go wrong with Baze. Even Drake, who probably lives in a castle, knows this.
Boston Celtics
Jae Crowder, though really any guy on this team would suffice. A t-shirt that says “Brad Stevens is bae” in sharpie is also acceptable.
Washington Wizards
John Wall. There’s also an argument to be made that Drake should wear a Bradley Beal jersey then take it off and rip it up on stage and tell the crowd that John Wall told him it would be funny if he did that. You know, just to add some drama in their completely stable working relationship.
Denver Nuggets
A custom-made jersey that says “Gallinari and Chandler, best friends forever” to commemorate their endless tour of duty together.
Minnesota Timberwolves
Karl-Anthony Towns. Again, there are times to be clever and times to just get with the program. Towns is the future and Drake obviously likes the future, or else he wouldn’t go on stage with him.
New York Knicks
Brandon Jennings. Kristaps is the obvious choice for beloved status, Carmelo is the aging star, and Derrick Rose…well, it’s probably not a great time to be publicly supporting that dude. Jennings is a sinewy menace that has never managed to live up to the 55-point explosion he dropped on (world’s worst basketball player) Steph Curry during his rookie year, but he’s got great social media chops and isn’t that what really matters.
Los Angeles Lakers
Kobe Bryant. Even fifty years from now, it is important that you show absolute fidelity to Grandpa Mamba.
Toronto Raptors
Obviously Drake is sort of emotionally invested in the NBA’s sole remaining Canadian franchise, and wearing a Raptors jersey to a Toronto concert seems like he’s trying a little too hard because he is their global brand ambassador. Still, if he had to, Jonas Valančiūnas would be a commendable option, and would further the “global” part in his Raps job title.
New Orleans Pelicans
Jrue Holiday. He’s been through a lot.
Charlotte Hornets
Spencer Hawes. Here Drake will display to the world that he understands irony by proudly wearing a jersey of a very tall man who thinks it would be real chill if Donald Trump is the next President.
Houston Rockets
Eric Gordon because Drake knows that Gordon’s got at least a 30 percent chance to rejuvenate his career in Houston and wants to be able to take credit for it.
Philadelphia 76ers
Ben Simmons. Drake will also introduce the song “Hotline Bling” by saying that, though that song is very strange and he dances like a maniac, he trusted the process.
Portland Trail Blazers
Damian Lillard, obviously. In a team stacked with young and exciting charmers, you can’t help but go with Dame DOLLA. Sometimes the obvious choice is the best choice.
Dallas Mavericks
Seth Curry. Because humanity in general is pulling for this little brother with the famous name. And Drake? He’s part of humanity.
Milwaukee Bucks
Greg Monroe, but only because Drake knows that Greg’s had a tough time adjusting to Milwaukee, and he wants to make him smile.
Brooklyn Nets
Jeremy Lin, because Jeremy Lin is the most popular basketball player in the world and Drake can’t afford to go and upset the world.
Los Angeles Clippers
A coin toss between a vintage Josh Smith or Lance Stephenson jersey. Just as the world shows maximum disrespect to the Clippers, so too must Drake.
Phoenix Suns
https://twitter.com/SunsNation_NBA/status/773389046857011200/photo/1
Devin Booker, obviously. That guy seems cool, and not just because he can shoot the lights out.
Sacramento Kings
Willie Cauley-Stein. Nothing wrong with rocking a DeMarcus Cousins jersey, but that’s a little too on the nose, and Cauley-Stein is the next best thing.
Detroit Pistons
The two Stanley
Stanley Johnson. Drake’s the kind of man who wants to be just slightly ahead of the curve. Representing Stanley “Muscles Man” Johnson is a great choice to impress the Pistons faithful.
Indiana Pacers
Myles Turner. There’s a case to be made for Jeff Teague as a sort of “Welcome to Indiana, the place where that cool show everyone loves Stranger Things takes place!” but ultimately Myles Turner is already a precious part of the Hoosier community and Drake is smart enough to know this.
Orlando Magic
Mario Hezonja or Serge Ibaka. Hezonja because the name itself is aesthetically pleasing, Ibaka because an Orlando Magic jersey that says Ibaka on the back doesn’t seem quite real yet, and Drake has an appreciation for the absurd as evidenced by his discography.
Memphis Grizzlies
Mike Conley. He’s a legendary, pretty-damn-good point guard. He put in his dues and is paid accordingly. It’s always acceptable to endorse a guy like this. More than acceptable. It’s an honor.
