With the first month of the 2016-17 NBA season in the books, nothing is really shocking us yet. Sure, there have been a few pleasant surprises, but the Cavaliers are still the team to beat, while the Golden State super-duper team has the best record in the NBA. Hey, remember when the Warriors were struggling to put it all together to start the season, for like a whole day? Those were fun times. Now, it’s basically a matter of can they lose? Can LeBron James upset the unstoppable Warriors again? Or, God willing, can another team rise up and save us all from the NBA’s jarring lack of parity?
With one month down, and as many as 19 games played by some teams, there are still more questions than answers at this point, but that doesn’t mean we can’t dust off the old crystal ball and make some predictions. And not just any predictions. BOLD predictions, because what’s the point of being safe and smart?
First up, forget the Warriors and Cavs, because they’ll both be watching the Finals from home.
The Clippers will win the NBA Championship
The Evil Clippers’ red hot start has cooled, as they’ve dropped three in a row including an inexplicable dud to the dud-tastic Brooklyn Nets, but this team is still really good (and very evil). Sure, the Voltron-like Warriors have won 12 straight and the Spurs and man-god Kawhi Leonard are right behind them with nine in a row, but the Clippers are powered by a healthy, happier Blake Griffin and Chris Paul’s new cyborg laser eyes.
On top of it all, they’re the NBA’s new villains, so we need the bad guys to step up and win it all against the underrated and unheralded good guys.
The Raptors will upset the Cavs in the Eastern Conference Finals
A week ago, this prediction would have been the Hawks, but Dwight Howard 4.0 and his hometown team have come back down to Earth after their inspiring start. The Raptors, on the other hand, have the league’s hottest rising star in DeMar DeRozan, who will reach superstar status by the end of the season, when he finishes in the Top 3 in scoring. He’s been a great story already, and it’s only going to get better.
Like last year, the Raptors will once again face the Cavs in the Eastern Conference Finals, but unlike last year, they’ll roll in the first two rounds and be rested for James and Co. The Eastern Conference Finals will give us a seven-game series for the ages, but the Raptors will do the unthinkable and send James home to lick his wounds.
Russell Westbrook will finish his MVP season averaging a triple-double
My not-so-bold offseason prediction was that Westbrook would be a Laker by the time the trade deadline dust settled, but he’s devoted to Oklahoma City. If you’re a fan of a small- or middle-market team, you have to be inspired by (and especially jealous of) Westbrook’s drive and determination this season, because he’s playing above god mode right now. Only Oscar Robertson has ever averaged a triple-double at this point in a season, so we’re witnessing something truly special.
And as long as the media keeps asking Westbrook about Durant playing with the Warriors, he’ll only be more inspired to keep racking up triple-doubles. The biggest obstacle will probably be rebounds, but the Thunder can just hire a reporter to keep mentioning Durant, and problem solved.
LeBron James won’t crack the Top 10 in scoring
The King hasn’t led the NBA in scoring since the ’07-08 season, when he averaged 30.0 PPG. In fact, that’s the only season he won a scoring title. Since then, he’s been a fixture in the Top 5, even finishing runner-up to guys like Dwyane Wade and Durant, and last season he finished at No. 5. Right now, though, he’s 14th in scoring with 23.6 PPG, which is still really good. But it’s not LeBron-like, if you will, and that’s because he’s much more focused on being a good leader and distributing the ball to make his teammates better.
Obviously, he’s going to have huge games in which he will make his opponents look like children, but I’m boldly predicting that he’ll be content to sit back and take it easy this season (god forbid the guy gets an extra game off here or there), only to go berserk in the playoffs. You know, before DeRozan sends him home to sit back and enjoy the offseason.
DeMarcus Cousins won’t be traded
It’s the main course of NBA trade rumors (unless you count the circle of garbage pumped into Google news results by Headline and Global News) and it’s going to leave us feeling empty when the trade deadline passes. Despite Shaquille O’Neal calling him a hot head and saying the Kings could go in a different direction if he doesn’t become the leader his team needs, Boogie isn’t going anywhere. The Kings are 7-11 and Cousins is Top 5 in scoring and rebounding, so they’re not exactly dwelling at the bottom (yet).
All those nameless GMs and insiders have said the Kings want too much for Cousins, and that should be the case. He’s too damn good. They’ll deal Rudy Gay, and maybe Willie Cauley-Stein, but that’s it.
Phil Jackson will stay with the Knicks
Insiders close to Phil Jackson and Jeanie Buss can say whatever they want, but Jackson’s not going anywhere after this season. If he walks away from the Knicks, he’ll be a loser for eternity in the eyes of every New York fan. The Knicks have a solid roster now, they’re playing with a little fire in their bellies, and there’s still hope that Derrick Rose will get back to at least 80 percent of what he used to be, which is still better than most point guards.
This team can and should and will be very good by the season’s end, and they’ll fight all they can before they’re bounced from the playoffs by the Raptors. Jackson will stay and the Knicks will be better than ever next season.
The Lakers will hire Snoop Dogg to run the team’s new “Y’all can’t f*ck with us” campaign
At 8-8 the Lakers aren’t great — they barely even qualify as “good” – but we love to talk about how fun this team is. We shouldn’t like the Lakers, because that’s like cheering for the Yankees, and realistically we should all be enjoying this era of the Lakers as L.A.’s second-best team. But it’s so damn hard when Snoop Dogg is starting hilarious hoops beef with rapper and Skip Bayless enabler 2chainz.
The Lakers need to take advantage of Snoop’s renewed positivity for the team, and so they will hire him to record a series of in-game hype videos to get the crowd shouting, “We back!” after every dunk.
Hell, you know this guy is down.
The 76ers, Mavs, and Pelicans will make the playoffs
We’ve gone from “Damn, you’re bold” to “Damn, you should be Baker Acted.” But this is based on the fact that, while these teams certainly suck right now, I like their vibes. The Mavericks are 3-13, but they won’t hear a word of this tanking nonsense. They’ll get it together and make up ground soon enough with one good streak, just like Mark Cuban said. Meanwhile, the Pelicans have the league’s leading scorer in Anthony Davis, and I refuse to believe that his awesomeness won’t ultimately infect his teammates and cause them to get better around him. (Additionally, the Grizzlies will falter without Mike Conley, and the Jazz aren’t as good as they seem, so that’s two spots at the bottom of the West waiting to be claimed.)
And the Sixers just need to get Joel Embiid rolling at full speed, unrestricted from his injury recovery routine, and they can finally trade Nerlens Noel for a veteran and a great draft pick. The Process shall be trusted, and he will be victorious.
